Coming 1 July: 30 Days Sexual Discovery

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

The free, 30 day of workshop will start 1 July, exclusively for urbangay members. Broaden your sexual horizon: experiment with new ways to play, discover ancient sex secrets and write your very own sexual manifesto!

From multiorgasmic play to kink –
it’s a journey like no other.

Topics covered in the workshop:

  • Develop a sex positive attitude
  • Dealing with fear, shame and guilt
  • How to “own” your sex
  • Making consent sexy
  • Taoist multiorgasm techniques
  • Tantra intimacy rituals
  • Toys, BDSM and public play
  • Jealousy and relationships.

I never really thought about what I wanted
so I never imagined the possibilities.

The workshop totally changed me.

The workshop will be available completely free , exclusive to members of online during July. If you are not a member yet, you can join here. It is free. And I promise you, I won’t ever sell your details.

See you 1 July!


Touch, Hug, Cuddle for instant magic

We have become a pretty touch-phobic society: touching someone has become almost exclusively reserved to sexual touch. Ironically, touch can communicate many more emotions: anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude, sympathy, happiness, and sadness. And a lack of touch (let alone hugging and cuddling) can make us really seriously ill. But we don’t have to look just at the negative effects of not-touching. There are great reasons for including touch in your relationship – and many don’t have to be sexual at all, of course. In fact, non-sexual touching, hugging and even cuddling in particular can have a massively positive effect on relationships (both romantic or other!).
So what are the positive effects of touching? Here are 5 big reasons to touch, hug and cuddle more:

Non-sexual touching is pretty rewarding
From increased tips, to selling more cars: Something as simple as a brief touch can have a great effect on the receiver, making them more generous. If a 1 second touch can do this to a stranger, imagine what a ten minute cuddle can do to your relationship!

Instant feel-good
Want to feel sexier? Happier? More connected? Simple solution is to touch others – and allow them to touch you back. It doesn’t have to be sexual at all to achieve this. And yes, you could go to a cuddle class… but maybe introducing more consensual touching and gentle, non-sexual hugs into your life will achieve pretty much the same thing for free.

Immune system, pain-relief and heart health
Want your partner to be healthy? Or reap the benefits for yourself: Do a bit more than brief touching and cuddle. Effect? Increased immune function to fight off disease, relief of many types of pain and a reduced risk of heart disease.

Less stress. Less anxiety. More sex.
Cuddles reduce stress and social anxiety, both major lust killers. Simultaneously, it releases dopamine, which in turn makes you think more positive … and be more open to sex. This doesn’t mean you necessarily have sex with the person cuddling you, of course! As the effect lasts several hours, there is no excuse not to bring more non-sexual touching and cuddling into your life with others.

Strength for your relationship
How to build a strong relationship? One item stands out: cuddle. In romantic relationships, post-sex cuddles increase both satisfaction with the sex as well as satisfaction with the relationship. Sadly, men in particular are often quicker under the shower than in each others arms. Something to think about if you want to keep him!

Btw… if you want to try out more touch-based connections in your relationship a try, give the touching in the form of basic tantra from the bootcamp a try. And remember to join in November for more Tantric Vibes.

Interview with urbangay founder Stephan

Tell us a bit more about the idea behind urbangay?
Urbangay is really an invitation to pause and build an individual philosophy about your life and your sexuality. As such it is collection of different tools and ideas to help live happier and more purposeful lives for gay men. In some ways, I guess, it is about finding a positive response to the often toxic environment in which gay men live. It combines both life-coaching and sexuality skills and tools to help guys create the life and sexuality they really want: a place where they can fully live and be comfortable and happy with whom they are.

Why do you think modern gay life can be a toxic environment?
If you look at gay life, despite all the advances in gay rights, a big issue is that there are still far too few positive examples, which show how to live a happy and purposeful life, or even develop an individual, positive philosophy for yourself as a gay men. Much of the gay scene is based on competitiveness: Often, happiness is synonymous with having the most beautiful body, being young and having lots of a particular kind of sex. The more you fit that ideal, the more ‘successful’ you are assumed to be. And while that is really great for some, and interesting for a while, it can become quite shallow and unhappy as time goes by. For others, especially if you don’t fit into one of the established categories, many people who don’t fit that particular ideal feel excluded and lonely. Either way, rather than liberating, welcoming and inclusive, the quintessential gay life often makes people feel unhappy – others seek more and more ways of finding happiness and fulfilment, often self-destructive. The results can be really devastating. But the point is, they don’t have to be.

What alternatives does urbangay provide?
With urbangay I’m trying to build a community of men who want to embrace a more meaningful life together, including both life in general and their sexuality. Rather than being based on competition, appearance and material and sexual success, urbangay is based on working together and helping each other, accepting differences, encouraging finding your way in life and sex and embracing diversity. That, in a nutshell is the urbangay philosophy.
The core is about developing an individual philosophy, where you combine both happiness in life and sexuality to define who you are and who you want to be. For me, it is really important to be comfortable with whom you are first: only when you feel secure and happy with yourself can you really embrace others and different ideas. As a first step, the programs are designed to make everyone question what it is that they want to achieve in life, and how they want to express and embrace their sexuality as an important part of whom they are. Based on that, everyone develops their own models and puts them into practice. Once they have achieved that, they can then help others achieve the same.

How does the urbangay philosophy work in practice?
There are really two different, interconnected parts: life and sexuality. As for the life part, urbangay offers different tools to ‘design’ a life that you are really happy with. Something that is fulfilling and bring together different skills closely resembling traditional life-coaching ideas.
For the sexuality part, urbangay follows a similar path: the programs try to broaden the mind and let you experience and explore different types of sexuality and ideas about it. Then everyone can choose what is right for them, based on their own ideas and experiences, rather than what ‘is expected’ (or often expected to be expected!)
Both parts are then fused together. This is really important, so that every urbangay is both comfortable with the sexuality they are living and the life that they are living.

What methods does urbangay use to achieve this?
Urbangay mixes different methods or tools if you so want: the main tool is mindfulness. Mindfulness brings awareness to the feelings and emotions in us. This helps to observe and define what you want out of life and sex and see more clearly how and what is important for you, irrespective of what others tell you. So that establishes a foundation from which to grow and develop.
Apart from mindfulness, the different programs borrow other tools: for example, there is a focus on tantra as an alternative to the usual sexual paradigm. But as it is about finding your own way, nothing is prescribed, and you don’t have to become a tantra practitioner. The programs simply contain many  tools and ideas, and everyone is invited to pick and choose to establish their own mix – and share their experiences.

How is urbangay different to other programs out there?
It really depends on which programs you compare it to. In many ways, I think it complements lots of programs more than being different. Mostly it is about developing and individual philosophy for combining life and sex, rather than either one in isolation.
So, for example, there are many general life coaching and happiness programs out there, but they are never really taking account of sexual orientation, and rarely try to bring sexual expression into life as an important aspect of the individual.
Similarly, there are many really great alternative sexuality programs out there, some of whom are linked on the blog. They do fantastic work offering seminars and meetings to explore different forms of sexuality rather than the typical suck, fuck, cum idea. The difference there is that they are often based on particular philosophical or spiritual ideas (e.g. Tantra), and they are often quite focused mostly on sex, rather than bringing both sex and life together.

What about the bootcamp? Is that all that there is?
The bootcamp has just recently finished. I’m really excited about the positive feedback and many people seem to really enjoy the experience. Of course, it is more like dipping your toe into the urbangay ideas. It spends a few days on each of the points. It gives a pretty good grounding of the main ideas, and a basis from which to explore everything more in depth.
Over the next year, there will be many more programs coming up on the site, which explore individual aspects of the urbangay ‘philosophy’ if you so want. So look out for them! They will be available for free during the time they are scheduled to run. So check the website for the details!

Day 31: Sustaining the progress from the bootcamp

Wow! Well done you on completing 30 days of the bootcamp! This is amazing! We have touched on so many things over the last month, I’m sure it was quite a ride! Remember to check back in and pick out the good parts that you feel were particularly beneficial for you. It would also be great to hear from you which parts you enjoyed most! New: urbangay now has a community function – so please take the time and share your experiences there!

If you haven’t checked out the next “30 day” programs, have a look. Each program will pick up one of the themes from the bootcamp and develop it in much greater detail. Check them all out here.

In addition to being freely available on while they are running, they will become available as PDF-workbook downloads after the 30 days. So please make sure you get them!

I hope the bootcamp has been a good 30 days and it would be great to hear from you! Please also remember to share the bootcamp with your friends.

Check out these free programs for mindfulness, happiness, tantra, sex and life Click To Tweet

Day 29: Mindful Kink

What are your (maybe secret?) fantasies? How can you make them reality? Today we focus on exploring those fantasies and your boundaries, using mindful sex as a guide.  “Kink” is really just another term for unusual… but what is “unusual” will obviously depend highly on your individual take on sex. I’m not trying to delve too much into the differences between kink and fetish at this stage, and I’m intentionally not trying to define what exactly is kink: for some fluffy handcuffs may be very kinky, for others kink just starts with a full latex outfit. Having sex outdoors is kinky for some, watching others have sex is kinky for others. Whatever it is for you, it is for the purpose of today. The focus for today is defining a kinky fantasy for you (and a partner or partners where appropriate), and to experience it with full mindfulness.

It is common for many people that when engaging kinky fantasies they feel uncomfortable or even experience shame. This can be a real problem, distracting much from the enjoyment of the fantasy they are acting out – or feeling remorse later on and regretting their actions. Of course, all fantasies acted out should be consensual, they should be safe and sane (often referred to as the SSC principle). And I ask you to consider this carefully beforehand.

The role of mindfulness in sex is twofold:
On the one side, it enhances your enjoyment of the actual fantasy play. By being fully present, you avoid your mind wondering off and worrying about something else. In other words, you are fully in the fantasy and can truly observe, be present, when it plays out.
On the other side, mindfulness enhances your perception of emotions arising out of the fantasy playing out – including, crucially, your personal boundaries. Thus, mindfulness kink gives you the tool to avoid a crushing feeling of remorse later, as it should guide your experience of the acting out. This may mean that you feel emotions that tell you to stop or pause the fantasy. Listening to these is exactly the point of this exercise: if it doesn’t feel right for you (or your partners) I want you to mindfully stop what you are doing and examine your emotions. Don’t be tempted to continue beyond what your emotions tell you, don’t be tempted to be carried away. Listen to your inner voice.

As a first step today, I want you to sketch out the fantasy that you have. You can do this together with your partner(s) if it involves them. Don’t get too bogged down on details: give the basic script of the fantasy, not a minute by minute account. This should be enough to guide you (and your partners), but leave enough room to accommodate changes where necessary. Remember to check beforehand the SSC principle, and importantly make sure everyone understands what they are consenting to. Also be careful not to push your boundary too far with this activity: it is perfectly ok to stretch the boundary a little bit and see how you go. But don’t do something you are likely to feel bad about afterwards. It is better to act out a very small kink fantasy in full mindfulness then to take on a massive boundary pushing activity.
In the second step, you should start to act out the fantasy. To start it off, bring your attention to the present. The most simple way is to focus briefly on your breathing for a few breath at the beginning of the fantasy play.
During the fantasy play remember to be fully present: acknowledge and examine your feelings and any emotions that arise. Greet good feelings and emotions when they appear, and carefully examine negative feelings or emotions.
If you are playing with partner(s), remember to give them appropriate feedback as you are acting out your fantasy. Listening to your inner voice should guide you in this. Ideally, get to a place where you are communicating constantly with your partner(s): they let you know their emotions and feelings in an appropriate form – and you provide feedback and communicate your emotions and feelings. Pay full attention to this communication process.

After playing check back in with yourself: examine how playing mindfully felt. Maybe you acted out fantasies before and can feel a difference in the way it went. Maybe this is the first time you tried to verbally express a fantasy and act it out. Some thing might have been much better than expected, other maybe less so. That’s fine. The point is to communicate this and talk with yourself, and where possible with your partner(s), about this openly.

I hope you have an amazing experience with today’s activity. Of course, most fantasies feel better in fantasy land than in reality, but mindfulness can help to approach fantasy land as much as possible. Even if applied to more ordinary, vanilla sex, most people find that mindfulness, together with feedback and communication can really enhance the experience enormously.

Finally, of course, I would be really interested to hear how it was for you today. How did you feel during and after the activity? Let me know!

Day 26: Orgasm, Ejaculation and the role of Breathing

Yesterday I briefly touched upon the difference of orgasm and ejaculation and the idea why many tantric practitioners prefer to not ejaculate (but do have orgasms!). This distinction is absolutely crucial to understanding tantric sex. Today we expand on this a bit more. To do this, first we look at conventional sex, before moving on to compare it with tantric sex.
To visualise conventional sex, take a look at the image above. In conventional sex, sexual activity starts at the beginning slowly building up sexual energy. It increases and accumulates in a combined orgasm and ejaculation stage (for men). That is to say, the orgasm phase is very short, and just briefly entered before climaxing in ejaculation. Ejaculation is then immediately followed by a loss of sexual energy. All of this often takes place in a very short time: most people don’t take much more than 15 or 20 minutes when having conventional sex. From entering orgasm stage to ejaculation may take just a few second.
I also included in the above diagram premature ejaculation. You can see the frustration arising from it: it is reached before reaching the orgasm stage, but, just as all ejaculation, results in an immediate loss of sexual energy. The person needs to “recover” for a bit, take a break and then can start again.normalplay.002
As you can see from the diagram above, tantric sex is very different:
The first visible difference are the multiple orgasms that occur – without ejaculation, as that would lead to a loss of sexual energy. Instead, every time the tantric practitioner gets close to ejaculating, the play is gently stopped, brought back to just about before orgasm stage. It can then move back into the orgasm stage, normally with slightly longer time in the orgasm stage and a slightly stronger orgasm before the “danger point” of ejaculation is reached. In short, tantric sex “cycles” in and out of the orgasm stage, and keeps the person for longer and longer time in the orgasm stage. Full tantric sessions can last very, very long: experienced practitioners can have sex for several hours.
The second difference is that as sexual energy is never completely lost through ejaculation, it can always be quickly reactivated. Many tantric practitioners need much less time to reach orgasm stage than people who practice tantra only occasionally. More over, especially with appropriate mind-control (which we have trained so much in part 1!), tantric practitioners can reach the stage rapidly and remain in the orgasm/ecstasy zone without ejaculating.
Thirdly, sexual energy is preserved and can be quickly reactivated, including by more gentle play with body parts which would not normally be associated to ejaculation. If you have ever seen tantric practice, you can see how people seeming reach orgasm/ecstasy stage by simple touches – something that in conventional sex would not lead to orgasm/ejaculation.

Today’s activity focuses on maintaining you in orgasm stage – and discovering the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, and to control and delay ejaculation. To do this, we use two tricks (or techniques): breathing and an “emergency stop”. I’ll quickly explain both of them:

Think what happens when you have a conventional orgasm: Most people realise they are reaching the orgasm phase, they start to breathe heavily at first – but then contract all their muscles in the body and hold their breath for a short while before ejaculating. The last bit is essential here: the full contraction of the muscles and the holding of the breath.
One way to avoid ejaculation is to continue breathing. This is a little easier said then done though, so I suggest you keep trying it a few times. To do this, when you reach the orgasm phase start taking deeper and deeper breaths. Focus on your breath at this stage, so that it remains deep and rhythmic and avoid accelerating as in conventional sex. You may find you feel a bit like you are hyperventilating, that is perfectly ok here. This technique should help you remain in the orgasm phase for a while. However, even with strong, deep and rhythmic breaths you are likely to edge closer to ejaculation and you will need to stop or slow down the sexual stimulus. When you reach that point, slow down for a minute or two before starting again. You should notice how you reach the orgasm stage rapidly and more intensely the next time.

Emergency Stop
There are two emergency stops you can use if you are feeling you are extremely close to ejaculation:
The first one is the perineum, the area between your testicles and your anus. While gently massaging it is a stimulus – pressing it forcefully can stop ejaculation.
The second one is pressing the head of the penis. To do this, locate the frenulum, a small skin-like piece of skin that connects the foreskin to the head of the penis. To press it, hold two fingers on the opposite side (the top side when looking down), and press the frenulum with your thumb. Practice this a few times to see how it works.

Ideally, you should not need to use the emergency stop techniques, as they quite harshly interrupt the flow of the session. However, they are useful techniques to know in case things have gone a little to far.

With those two techniques, try and cycle in and out of orgasm stages today for a few times. You can try this either with a partner (taking turns on each other) – or using masturbation. The latter has the advantage that you can more closely monitor which stage you are at.
If you are doing this activity with your partner, or on your partner, pay special attention to the breathing. You are basically now communicating through breathing, and with some training should be able to signal (or notice if you are the giver) the maximum breath the receiver before ejaculation.

I hope you are enjoying the activities. Please let me know how you feel and how you are getting on. Use the comment function below to share your experiences with other bootcampers.

And don’t forget to come back tomorrow – when we look more closely at masturbation. Have a fantastic day – and remember to breathe!

Day 25: Basics of Tantra

Today we are going to look more deeply at pleasure and connection. Not just accepting yourself, but creating and growing pleasure (and sexual energy) through tantra. There is a lot of debate out there about different ways of tantra, and actually if tantra should be called tantra, or neotantra etc., much of it could easily fill a few bookstores with books. Therefore, rather than debating the basis of tantra and how to do it, let’s try to experience it and then go from there.

For this activity, you’ll need a timer (egg timer or phone timer, whatever can count 10 minutes). Ideally you should complete today’s activity with a partner. However, this may not be possible for you, so I’ll describe an alternative approach after the activity. If you want to, you could, of course, try both approaches!

Tantra Activity with a Partner
For this activity, try to aim for 10 sessions of five minutes for each partner. You can work with fewer sessions (or more). But 10 is a good number to aim for (this would mean the full activity lasts about two hours).

1. Set the timer to five minutes.
2. Sit opposite your partner and look into each others eyes, focusing only on the breathing and looking at each other. This is the “connection” phase, where you are connecting with your partner.
3. After the five minutes are over, acknowledge your partner maybe with a kiss or hug, and move to the next session.

4. Set the timer again for five minutes.
5. Touch your partners arm. Caress it gently for five minutes.
For you, focus on touching the other person: be fully in the moment, acknowledging how you feel touching him.
For the receiving partner: use mindfulness techniques to bring your full attention to being touched.
6. After five minutes, acknowledge each other – then switch roles: so now the previously receiving partner gives the touching for the next five minutes.

Now repeat steps 4 to 6 for the rest of the cycles: you can slowly move around the body – use your imagination to where you want to touch next: legs, chest, neck, feet, ass, balls, penis, scrotum, prostate… (using lubrication as necessary).

Remember two points:
1. The aim of the exercise is not to ejaculate (but see below!). If the receiving partner is feeling he is coming to close, gently stop or become very slow and let the receiving partner focus on his breath for a while.
2. Don’t expect the receiving partner to have a constant hard-on during the session, even while you are touching intimate parts of the body. The focus of the session is on giving pleasure to the receiver – not on him achieving or maintaining an erection.

Tantra Activity without a Partner

1. Take the timer and set it to five minutes.
2. For five minutes touch your abdomen. Focus completely on the feeling you get from touching you.
3. After five minutes move to the nipples. Then the thighs. In the fourth round, move to the genitals: first the perineum, then scrotum, then touch your balls. Then your penis shaft, then your glans. If you can easily reach it, you can also include your anus or prostate (using lubrication as necessary).

Similar to the partner exercise, remember to avoid ejaculation (see below!). Similarly, don’t try to achieve or maintain an erection. Focus on the feeling you are getting from touching yourself.

A final word about orgasm (vs ejaculation). For tantric practitioners orgasm and ejaculation are two different things. If you are not an experienced tantra practitioner, both are likely to mostly appear at the same time. The idea in “real” tantra is that orgasm can be achieved (with some training!) without ejaculation. This is important, as ejaculation basically means that sexual energy is lost. To visualise this, just think of what happens when people “come”. Basically that is the end of the intercourse. Hence, the idea is to avoid ejaculation, and instead achieve an increasingly powerful series of orgasm without loosing the sexual energy.

To best try this out and train yourself, use the following activity without a partner (or simply try it on yourself): Masturbate as far as you can before you are actually ejaculating. Stop. And repeat. Don’t worry if you stop a little too early in the beginning. When you feel you are starting to come, basically stop. So you are edging closer and closer to ejaculation – but without actually coming. Relax and focus on your breath for a while. Then repeat.
It will take a while, but, after a few attempts you will feel the difference between orgasm – and ejaculation.

I hope you are having a lot of fun with these activities. Don’t worry if you can’t pack them all in in one day… maybe pause for a day or two. Tomorrow we will be back and focusing on breathing, orgasm and some more tantra… Don’t miss it!

And please remember to share how you are feeling with everyone. Please use the comment function below – or #ug30bc on twitter. See you tomorrow!

Day 24: Defining your sexual self

Yesterday we started with some sensual exercises and loving your body. I hope you had time to explore them and enjoy them. Today the focus is on defining yourself more closely. So today’s question is: Who are you when it comes to sex and sexuality?

Often the gay scene simply defines top, bottom or versatile, which, while maybe useful for fucking, is pretty one dimensional and really not very holistic. In fact, this focus purely on fucking has a lot of problems: Especially, as it assumes that all sex is somehow related to fucking – and if you don’t, then it is not sex (or even part of the sexual self). Such a focus is extremely limiting and really plays down the important other areas of sex and sexuality.

The idea for today then is to have a conversation with yourself: define yourself whom you are as a sexual being. What is it that you want out of love, sex and live? Delving deeper than just your position, define yourself with all the little contradictions, multiple facets and the great variety that makes you – you! Therefore, when considering the following questions, don’t try to give a single answer, unless you really feel that you can only answer one thing. Rather elaborate with yourself. Maybe you find that in different situations you prefer different things. Great! You may also find that things have shifted over time, or with different partners. Perfect. After all, why should we limit ourselves to do the same position, like the same sex or even have the same sexual identity for a long time? Let’s embrace our fluid self, that makes us unique.

Today’s activity is then to debate and define the sexual you. You can do this on your own or with your partner. If you currently have a partner, I would strongly encourage you to have this conversation with him. Share the list of questions with him and answer them briefly each on their own. Then you can share how you each see yourself. This is then a great way to open up the discussion about what kind of sex you have or would like to have with each other, for example.

1) What is your sexual orientation?
A) homosexual – attracted to only men
B) bisexual – attracted to men and women
C) pansexual – attracted to people regardless of their gender or gender identity
D) heterosexual – attracted to only women

2) How would you define your preferred relationship status?
A) single – not dating at all
B) independent – dating/in a relationship but largely independent
C) multiple – dating multiple partners without much commitment
D) attached – in a committed relationship with one or more partners

3) How “open” would you like your relationship to be?
A) full monogamy – completely monogamous
B) restricted open – open relationship but with rules (e.g. only play together)
C) open – open relationship without rules
D) poly-experimenting – relationship with one partner, but “dating” a third
E) polygamy – committed relationship with two or more partners

4) How important is intimacy vs “just sex” for you?
A) mostly intimate – you  prefer cuddling and kissing over sex
B) Intimate-Sexual  – you  prefer cuddling and kissing but like sex
C) both – you want both equally
D) Sexual-Intimate – you prefer sex over kissing and cuddling
E) Sexual – you prefer mostly sexual contact

5) What would you say is your preferred frequency of having sex:
A) asexual – you prefer not to have sex
B) demisexual – you prefer not to have sex only when you formed a strong bond
C) sexual – generally sexual (whatever you consider “average”)
D) frequent sexual – highly sexual with high sex drive
E) hypersexual – constantly sexual

6) How comfortable are you when discussing sex?
A) comfortable – no problem to talk about sex, preferences etc…
B) oblique – you talk about sex, but only with people you know well
C) noncomfortable – generally not very comfortable to talk about sex
D) avoidant – you try to avoid talking about sex

7) How forceful or assertive are you when seeking or initiating sex?
A) assertive – you know what you want, and you ask to get it.
B) versatile – depends on the situation or the person
C) passive – you are waiting for your partner(s) to make a move first

8) Do you prefer to give or receive pleasure?
A) receiver – you want to mostly receive pleasure
B) versatile – you want to both receive and give pleasure
C) giver – you prefer to give pleasure

9) How planned are you when it comes to sex?
A) spontaneous – no planning, just do it when it feels right.
B) situational – it depends, sometimes you plan.
C) planned – carefully planned.

10) What types of sexual activities do you enjoy?
A) tantric – slow sexual activities focused on intimacy and sexual energy
B) sensual – generally more sensual sex
C) ‘vanilla’ – whatever you think is “average”
D) fantasy – sex which includes some form of fantasy ideas
E) BDSM – domination/submission
F) fetish – sex involving particular objects (e.g. leather)

11) What types of sexual scenes are interesting or exciting for you?
A) voyeuristic – seeing other people have sex
B) private – you prefer privacy
C) Semi-private – places with a low chance of being seen
D) Open – places with a fair chance of being seen
E) Exposed – clearly visible/open spaces
F) Exhibitionist – sex while being watched by others

As the first step of getting what you want is knowing what you want, hopefully thinking about these questions has stimulated some ideas and thinking, either by yourself – or with your partner(s). The list is of course not exhaustive, and there are many other aspects of sexuality and sexual expression that define you as a sexual being. Keep thinking about you and your sexual self… take the broad categories above and refine them to suit yourself. Maybe integrate practices or positions into different scenarios. In other words, once you have an idea of what you like or would like to do, you will be much more able to express, seek and discuss this.

Tomorrow we start applying some of the principles to sexual practices, and learn more about why meditation, mindfulness and tantra are such a great combination when they are applied. We will start with tantra practice tomorrow. This requires some time, so please, try and have around 2 hours available.

If you enjoyed the activity today, why not share it? Or share in the discussion, by leaving a comment below, or tweeting using the #ug30bc. See you tomorrow!

Day 15: Erotic Meditation – Meditation for Sex

Now that you have the power to bring your mind to where you want it to be, either in the present or in a place or space of your choosing, it is time to try and have a fun day before we move on and apply all of the learned techniques for different aspects of (urban gay) life.

For today I have two different types of meditation/hypnosis for you. If you have the time, maybe experiment with both, or do one today and then comeback to this later. One is meditation/hypnosis session to achieve orgasm (or a feeling of it, see below), the other to increase your sex drive.

The first one is a session which will gently guide you to orgasm. Some people manage to actually, physically cum during the meditation. However, the majority does not, however, their feelings closely resemble orgasm and they are often very excited.  Try it out for yourself and see how you feel after this short activity.

The second activity is an hour long hypnosis session to increase sexual arousal. It is recorded by Steve G Jones, who has many fantastic videos on YouTube – so do check his meditation/hypnosis sessions out. This session doesn’t try to lead to orgasm or an increase in feelings, but focuses your mind on increasing your libido. Take the time and go for a journey, maybe a little before meeting a partner or loved one.

If you want to explore other forms of sexual meditation and hypnosis, there is more available on YouTube if you feel like experimenting. This included “master and slave” sessions and tantric partner meditation, which we will come back to later in the bootcamp.

But for now… let me know how you are finding the experience. Please use the comment function below – or tweet using the hashtag #ug30bc. See you tomorrow… when we are moving into applying all the skills from the previous days to daily life.

Day 3: The Urbangay Manifesto

As said yesterday… today we will talk about some basic rules to make the bootcamp work – and some more overarching principles for the urbangay lifestyle.

To start off, here are the three simple rules for the next few days. The rules are not there to make things complicated – and I don’t think they are overly complicated. Instead, they are designed to be easy, simple and to help you get the most out of the bootcamp experience, for you and for everyone else who is ‘bootcamping’.

1) You can only fail if you give up.
This is hopefully pretty straight forward: there is no way to fail the bootcamp. At least not if you give it a try. The bootcamp is structured in days, but don’t let that stop you from going back or staying with one activity for a few days. The bootcamp is all about you. You decide. This also means that:

2) There is no right or wrong way.
Because we are all different, we like different things, and dislike different things. What makes it interesting is that we have different perspectives. Respecting different views is important during the bootcamp and in the urbangay community. Because of this…

3) Your opinion is valued, please share it
Share what you think. We are all in the bootcamp together. If you like something, why not comment on it? If you improved an exercise, please share it with the others. I love to hear your feedback, and I’m sure everyone else will appreciate to see how different participants feel. So… let’s share, be social and learn from each other.

Secondly, I invite you to think beyond the bootcamp. I’m “borrowing” these five principles from the general Buddhist ethics (I’m sure you will agree they are quite similar to other ethics). As promised, you don’t have to subscribe to this perspective, they are not part of the programme. But I invite you to reflect on them – and adapt them according to what you feel comfortable with. They are, after all, guides that make life easier and more enjoyable. Importantly, these are not rules or tick boxes. They are, in the Buddhist tradition, simply aims to live by. There is no shaming or blame involved if you feel you have failed. People have flaws. The Buddhist tradition simply asks you to acknowledge that you have failed and try to do it better next time.

1. Don’t kill – or cause harm.

2. Don’t steal.

3. Avoid false speak.

4. Avoid intoxication.

5. Don’t misuse sexuality.

1 to 3 should be pretty straight forward (I acknowledge, you can have a long discussion about them, but let us just accept them for the time being as given and the way you interpret them). 4 and 5 are more open to interpretation, particularly in terms of the bootcamp. As with 1-3, I invite you to use your own judgement when interpreting these for you. For example, traditionally, avoiding intoxication is interpreted often rigidly in terms of drinking or drugs. For me personally, I interpret this as not just referring to substances – but also to other forms of intoxication: for example, (mis-)information and other things that “numb” the mind. On the other hand, I don’t interpret this for me as something that prohibits alcohol, but rather that cautions not to over do it (and I’m sure you’ll agree… , trying to be mindful, do exercise or just about anything with a massive hang over is not going to work.). Similarly, I would interpret ‘misuse sexuality’ as meaning using sexuality to deceive or manipulate, including, of course, making sure sexuality is practiced only with consent.

I hope these three rules for the bootcamp – and the five principles to think about are a good foundation.

We also need to bear in mind, this is a journey we are taking together, and what has brought us here together: Lives that may have been lacking “that certain something”, or maybe just being curious about if there isn’t a better or alternative way. Something more fulfilling then what we have now.

Thus, let us combine all of this, together with all the topics and objectives of the bootcamp, into one easy “manifesto for the urbangay” (of course, you don’t have to live in an urban area. You are welcome to be an urbangay no matter where you are!). Something to guide the rest of the program and to define how we are growing as human being, during and after the program. So here is my “draft manifesto for the urbangay”… please remember to contribute and amend it how you see fit.

1. We are the urbangays.
We seek fulfillment through love, purposeful action, happiness and sexual expression with kindness, affect, freedom and respect for ourselves and each other. We use mindfulness, meditation, love and sexuality to create a fairer, happier and healthier world.

2. We are a community.
We come from different backgrounds, this is our strength. We are inclusive, diverse and welcoming, bound by the love and respect that we share for each other, united by our core principles. We support each other with kindness and generosity, with love and affection.

3. We embrace vulnerability and reject the perfect.
We acknowledge that nobody is perfect and everyone is vulnerable. We welcome our imperfections as showing us ways to grow and acknowledge ours and others vulnerabilities as possibilities to give and receive comfort and joy.

4. We live a fulfilled, purposeful life.
We may have different paths and objectives, giving us the opportunity to respect each others rights to live a fulfilled, purposeful lives, supported by the love, care and kindness of our fellow urbangays.

5. We have the right to ecstasy and to give and receive pleasure freely.
We have different forms of expressing sexuality and sexual identity, and we respect and cherish this, acknowledging everyone has the right to give and receive pleasure and experience ecstasy in a way they seek.

So… tomorrow we will finally get going. I hope you’re as excited about this as I’m! … See you tomorrow for the first activity introducing mindfulness.

But before we go, why not share the bootcamp with your friends?

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