Day 5: The Sex Positive Mindset

Sex positivity is a space where individuals ‘own’ their sex without judgement. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Developing sex positivity

Well, for three days we have been dealing with negative stuff. High time to switch and focus on the positive! So, let’s see what a sex positive mindset looks like. I’m avoiding the term environment here, as sadly the reality is that most societies are simply highly sex negative. But individuals can change their mindset! Hence it seems sensible to focus on the individual at this point.… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 4: Fear

I’m not afraid of storms for I’m learning how to sail my ship. (Louisa May Alcott) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Recognise the role of fear in promoting a sex negative environment.

Today we are looking at the second powerful tool used to promote and maintain a sex negative environment: fear. Of course, you’d be right in saying that shame is also often a particular type of fear (that is to say, fear of negative judgement by others). But sex negative societies also often use more overt fear appeals when it comes to maintaining their ideas of what is the “right” kind of sex, and the wrong kind of sex. It is important to remember that fear can also be used to maintain the ‘correct’ frequency of sex, which is a sign of sex negative societies: that is to say fear can be used both to increase and decrease sexual frequency as well as type of sex, depending on who uses it.

The most obvious examples of this approach are ‘sex education’ programmes promoting abstinence, often… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 2: Sex Negativity

Owning or being owned. That is the question here. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Learn about Sex Negativity both in the environment as well as in the way we talk to ourselves.

Yesterday I said that the key to sexual happiness lies in adopting a sex positive attitude. I also said that most societies (and individuals!) are sex negative, and many people internalise this negativity.  The terms are a little confusing though, as sex negative doesn’t mean that there is no sex (or sex positivity that sex is everywhere). What it means is that in sex negative societies sex is subject to lots of interference and regulation from ‘social norms’. That is to say, either the society, or the individual who holds sex negative views, has fairly rigid views about what is acceptable and what is not. The root to this is that sex is seen as something negative, shameful, that can hurt or somehow distract you from ‘real life’.  It becomes overloaded with fear, shame and guilt. At the same time, sex is also seen as necessary,

Day 1: Overview and Expectations

Some journeys are more sexy than others. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Get an overview over the workshop topics and what you expect.

So… are you ready to start? Great! I’m sure you have already looked at the content and seen some of the chapter headings. So let me briefly explain why the topics are there and how the journey will work.

The first part of the workshop addresses different topics surrounding sex and sexuality: it is less about doing anything, and more about the role sex plays in the society you live in. Societal influences often have a massive influence on how we see things, either consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, it is really important to think about the meaning given to sex in the society you live in – and how you respond to this.
A key theme of the first part is sex positivism. Why?

Welcome to the Sexual Discovery workshop!

Sex is emotion in motion (Mae West) Click To Tweet

Welcome! Welcome to this workshop and this journey! Starting on Saturday, the next 30 days we will talk sex. Lots of sex. In fact, a little bit of sex every day.

The key theme over the next 30 days is your own, personal and individual sexual discovery. What is it that you really like? What turn you on? What things would you like to try? Whom are you as a sexual person? And how do you use sex to relate to other people.

I went to a Gay Sex Workshop

I never thought one weekend could make such a difference. Click To Tweet

A guest post by Andreas

I came across the ad for the sex workshop on one of the online dating sites. Interested in what it was, I clicked the ad to find out more. Looking through the website of the workshop I found a few weekend classes being held in my city, one of which starting in two weeks. Without much thinking, I decided to give it a try. My sex life for the last few months had been pretty dull. I had only a handful of online dates, and nothing ever was a real connection. Even the sex was just dull. I hadn’t been out on the scene, and didn’t really want to go, as I find it too competitive and hard for me to speak to someone. So a sex workshop seemed a thing to try and revive my sex life, maybe learn a few things or even make some friends.

With the date approaching I started to get a lot more nervous than I anticipated when I signed up: I started to have doubts about the guys. How they would react to me. I was getting nervous about being naked, as the workshop information said. If there would really be sex? How would that work? What if I don’t want to do it? A lot of questions came to my mind.

A day before the workshop all the doubt got the better of me, and I almost pulled out. What rescued it was that an email with the directions had the phone number of the workshop trainer. Full of doubts I called him, secretly hoping he would tell me not to come.

He answered and was very patient with my questions. I never expected that. I’m not a really confident guy when it comes to sex. I see lots of guys who are just going for it, in bars or wherever. But that is not me. I get horny, I think I can do it, but then I get scared. That’s how I would describe me. And the workshop was exactly this.

So I was glad to hear some reassuring words from the trainer, who also told me that I could always pull out. But before, he encouraged me to give it a try. The environment would be quite different to a sex club or sauna. And they also had a separate space where one could go and take a break. Also he told me that my doubts were totally normal. Most guys had those doubts, and I’ll see how they are nervous on the day, too.

Nervously I went to the venue on the day. It was an early evening “check-in”, where everyone arrived before the start of the main workshop the next day. I was way too early, so I went to a have a coffee around the corner. Again, I nearly pulled out, but eventually I got myself together and went over to the venue.

The venue was a little hidden. When I arrived I was greeted by the trainer and a few other men sitting in what looked like a kitchen. To my relief they were all dressed. Most people also seemed quiet and normal, not at all how I imagined this to be. More men joined us, but most seemed not to know anyone. This was a bit of a relief, as I imagined lots of couples would be there. But it also meant many people were just sitting there quietly.

When the time came to start, we were asked to take off our shoes and move to the main room. The trainer started by explaining the rules of the workshop. Still fully dressed, we eventually started to have some ice breaking activities. These included hugging and touching at some point, but it was all very respectful and in a really supportive and positive way. After the introduction session everyone walked to a nearby restaurant to have dinner together. It really felt very different from anything I have ever experienced: like a connection had been made.

I’m not going to give away too much of what happened over the next two days of the workshop. But for me it was an amazing experience. We talked about our fears, our sex life, our sexual roles. Yes, we did get naked. No, we didn’t have any full on sex with each other. But what we did was built trust and shared an amazing experience. Different to the hook ups and dates I had met on the scene. Something much deeper than I imagined. It was a different experience to anything I had ever experienced.

The outcome of the workshop was not just that I had made new friends. I also learned some techniques. The most important outcome, however, was that I learned how to face myself and my fears. I embraced the core theme of sex-positivity and although it still is a journey to be traveled for me,  I feel now a very changed man. Changed for the better. And I just booked my next workshop. This time, without the fears. But looking forward to a weekend with like-minded guys, making new connections, learning new things and exploring more about what I really want.

Andreas is in his mid-forties and lives alone together with his dog in a big city in a small country…   Thank you to Andreas for this guest post!

Coming 1 July: 30 Days Sexual Discovery

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

The free, 30 day of workshop will start 1 July, exclusively for urbangay members. Broaden your sexual horizon: experiment with new ways to play, discover ancient sex secrets and write your very own sexual manifesto!

From multiorgasmic play to kink –
it’s a journey like no other.

Topics covered in the workshop:

  • Develop a sex positive attitude
  • Dealing with fear, shame and guilt
  • How to “own” your sex
  • Making consent sexy
  • Taoist multiorgasm techniques
  • Tantra intimacy rituals
  • Toys, BDSM and public play
  • Jealousy and relationships.

I never really thought about what I wanted
so I never imagined the possibilities.

The workshop totally changed me.

The workshop will be available completely free , exclusive to members of online during July. If you are not a member yet, you can join here. It is free. And I promise you, I won’t ever sell your details.

See you 1 July!


Let’s talk about Sex … Sex Positivity

PNI recently had an interesting debate with a friend: Does having a lot of sex mean you are sex positive? To cut a pretty long discussion short: His view was (or is) that gay men in particular are pretty sex positive, because generally spoken, they have a lot of [opportinities for] sex. I tried to defend the point that some gay men may be promiscuous – and may have a lot of sex, but … that much of gay dating life is actually pretty sex negative. How come? Continue reading “Let’s talk about Sex … Sex Positivity”