Six Ideas to make the holidays sexy

If for you the holiday season is often the season of far too much stress and too little fun, here are a few ideas to inject some holiday sexiness into the season. Don’t forget to share your ways of making the season sexy!

  1. Give yourself a sexy treat
    Don’t forget yourself this Christmas and give yourself a big or small sexy treat. New underwear to make you feel sexy? A relax-massage to make you feel as soft as …? A special book full of erotic stories? You probably have a few ideas what what you’d like, now is the opportunity to give it to you!
  2. Give your partner a sexy treat
    It’s great to buy gifts for your partner, but even better if they are home made: Why not give him a special one-off treat, or even make a book full of “sexy tokens” for him. Perfumes, books and socks are nice, but sexy surprises will really make your partner happy!
  3. Go shopping together
    Shopping can be horrible: too many people, too many things. But you can make it fun by going shopping together: not for the usual gifts, of course. Instead, go to a an adult store and see what you can discover together.
  4. Go surprise shopping
    If different family commitments keep you apart, you can always go adult toy shopping alone. Drop some hints about what you have bought – and enjoy the time when you get together to try out your purchases!
  5. Practice the “Art of the Quickie”
    Busy days of rushing from lunch to dinner to …? No worries: make sure you get your partner on track and practice the “Art of the Quickie”.  It’s something couples often forget about, so here is a chance to revive it!
  6. Rediscover your youth
    Visiting family with your partner for the holidays? Revisit your memories – this time with your partner. Introduce him to the place where you first made love, and all the other special places you remember from your youth.

How about you? How do you make the holidays more sexy? Let us know! And have a great holiday season!

Transparent sexual selves

Guest post from zoereei blog. Check out his blog for many more posts about sex and about the constant changing nature of life.

I have the freedom to sexually relate to whoever and however I want to. And yet I often keep myself distant, avoiding to meet up with a guy. I’m afraid of being seen as sexually incompetent; even more so, of seeing myself in that light.

My sexual drive pushes me forward at times, to look for excitement, for a thrill, for touch, intensity, physical pleasure. It pushes me to overstep the socially approved boundary, to go into the extreme, to take myself into a space where I lose all control and am at the whims of another, a space where I can be the bad boy.

Another force within me pushes me towards connection, to living an intimate encounter with another man, where sex expresses that connection and where body shape and deficiencies are respected aspects of the other rather than a reason to move away. Sex more than a fuck. The safe space of love.

And yet another force pulls me back, afraid of trusting the other, afraid of disease, afraid of infections, afraid of being used, afraid of being exposed and vulnerable – physically and emotionally – in front of the other.

Shame kicks in. Fear steps into the room.

I feel as virgin as a young teenager at times, within the body of a mature adult. I have very deep insight on some aspects of life, and am so ignorant in such a simple thing as having sex. I know all the theory. I lack a lot of practice. And these discrepancies between the child and the adult, the wise and the ignorant, feel like I’m being sheared in two. And in the arena of sex these feelings turn into ear-splitting rips.

There is no way of stepping out of this loop apart from stepping out. I need to allow someone in, and to allow myself into someone else. Not as how I should be, but as I am. Easier said than done, because who I am is constantly changing. Who will I be when I meet him: the slutty subservient slave, the controlling Dom, the fuck-now-then-see fun person, the let’s-take-it-slowly-and-grow-together lover? Which one is me? Or are all of these me? Which selves will I show? Which ones will I hide?

The path to freedom doesn’t lie in splitting apart my sexual selves, but in integrating them and allowing myself to be seen transparently for who I am.

Scary as fuck!

Originally published on zoreii blog. Thank you for the permission to repost!

Let’s start the week Sex-Positively!

It’s the start of the new week, and also the first Monday of December! What better reason than to check in with ourselves and see if our own mindset isn’t besieged by the popular sex-negative attitude surrounding us in our society today.

What is a sex-positive mindset all about? Here is an exert from Day 5 of my book “Sexual Discovery for Gay Men“:

Day 5
The Sex-Positive Mindset

Today’s objective: Defining sex-positivity

Well, for three days we have been dealing with negative stuff. High time to switch and focus on the positive! So, let’s see what a sex positive mindset looks like. I’m avoiding the term environment here, as sadly the reality is that most societies are simply highly sex negative. But individuals can change their mindset! Hence it seems sensible to focus on the individual at this point.

Sex-positivity in itself is quite a challenge to define, at least in detail.  Basically it is obviously the opposite to sex negativity, which is the space where sex is always subject to judgement by others and manipulated to fit a certain ideal. Hence, sex-positivity is a space where individuals ‘own’ their sex without judgement. It means embracing diverse forms of sex, respecting not only yourself but also others. How does this look in practice? In my own way of looking at it, having a sex positive mindset involves seven principles:

1) Own your sex
First and foremost, having a sex positive mindset is about ‘owning’ your sex: it is yours to give, not theirs to take. And only you know what you want, how you want it, how often you want it. Don’t let your environment dictate what you should have or should not be having.

2) Respect everyone’s choices regarding their sex
Just as you have the right, it is important to extend the same respect to others. This means acknowledging everyone’s right to have the sex they want to have – including their right not have sex. It is not for you to judge others and the sex they own.

3) Consent
Sex between partners must be negotiated. Clear, enthusiastic consent is the basis of all sex positive sex. Your sex is yours. Their sex is theirs. Implied or assumed consent is not enough. Neither one has the right to force or manipulate someone else to have sex they don’t want. But also, neither one has the right to stop anyone from having the sex they want, as long as it is with people who consent to it.

The first three are the core principles of sex-positivity for me. The following four points flow from these three. While the first three are necessities, the next four are rights. That is to say you have the right to do this, but there isn’t an obligation to do them.

4) Exploring your sex freely
You have the right to explore your sex freely, the way you want to. You have the right to challenge sexual role models and you should expect to be encouraged, respected and supported to do this by your partners.

5) Engaging with your fantasies
You have the right to engage and develop your fantasies and express them freely without fear of judgement or disrespect.

6) Learning about sex
You have the right to learn about sex: different types of sex, sexual health, ways of expressing sexuality,… nobody should ever stop you from learning.

7) Communicate
You have the right to communicate freely and honestly about sex, sexual fantasies, experiences and ideas. Of course, this is extremely important in consent seeking. But communication goes beyond this. If you had good sex, make sure you tell your partner. If you had bad sex, and you want to improve it with the same partner, talk to him.

I hope these seven principles make sense to you. Of course, you may choose to define your own way of seeing sex-positivity. In fact, taking the above as an example, I’d like you to write your own sex positive manifesto today. That is to say, don’t make it a few general points which are applicable to everyone. Write a sex positive manifesto just for you.

Take-home message for today: A sex positive is about owning your sex. And respecting the rights of others to do the same.

Want to explore more about a sex-positive life?
My book contains all the materials for the Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop and is available from any good bookseller.

ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

5 Reasons to schedule a long sex session with your partner – right now.

With the nights getting longer, here are five great reasons to make room in your busy schedule for a longer sex session with your partner – right now.

1. Really feel the sex
Spontaneous and quick sex is great, however, it is often over before your mind had time to “arrive”. Scheduling a longer session gives both of you time to prepare, look forward to and really bring your mind with you to feel all the sensations and be present.

2. Create intimacy
Often sex is confused with creating intimacy in a relationship. And while sex is really important in maintaining a relationship, what really counts is not the number of times you have sex – but the intimacy you are creating while having sex. Slow sex really gives time for intimacy feelings to develop, injecting tons of intimacy into your relationship.

3. Feel good afterwards
Long sex is a master in giving you afterglow. Why? It gives time for all the happy hormones you produce during sex to really play their role in your body. The result? A happy smile for hours to come!

4. Connecting beyond your sexual partner
Long lasting sex actually helps you connect to people beyond the ones you are having sex with. Feelings of intimacy with your partner and satisfaction often reflect into other parts of your life, and help you make more friendly and positive connections beyond the person you had sex with!

5. De-stress
Finally, sex is one of the best ways to de-stress. Had a hard day at work? There is an easy way to be more productive again the next day: switch off the TV and bring some real intimacy into your life with your partner.

Ready for some slow sex?
Check out some of the tips of creating long-lasting intimate connections in the Sexual Discovery workshop and book: From connections through touch with your partner – to edging yourself if you don’t have a partner right now. And don’t forget, the Tantric Vibes workshop starts in January!

Day 28: Playing with others

Three is not always a crowd Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Thinking about adding others into your play

Opening up can be a tricky subject for some people, while others see it as a natural part of gay sex. Some couples avoid it all together, others have elaborate rules on where, when and how – while other couples, or indeed people living in polyamorous relationships, embrace it wholeheartedly. The variety of constellations around playing with more than “the one” are truly fascinating. The fact to remember that sex and love are linked, but not the same is essential in this respect.

I have come across many people who would consider playing with partners outside their relationship as the cornerstone of their relationship: and often… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 27: Jealousy

Jealousy is the fear of comparison. (Max Frisch) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Identify and talk about jealousy

It is impossible to talk about sex, and adopting a sex positive attitude without also considering at least briefly jealousy. Of course, some people are more jealous than others, and some people even assume that jealousy is a sign of love. Some psychologists have identified jealousy to plague around a third of partnerships, often with disastrous results for the relationship.

Most people feel jealous once in a while – or they think they will be jealous. A little observation: many people who go as a couple to a sex workshop assume that they will feel jealous. Often many requests that they can work exclusively together… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 26: Playing in public or outside

Liberate your sex life: play outside. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Think about playing… in public or outside

So far this workshop has focused mostly on the “technical” aspects of sex: that is to say one thing that the workshop hasn’t focused on, is where to play… However, exploring different options can create lots of excitement and add a lot of spice to your sex life.

Gay culture is, of course, full of public places where sex between men happens: parks, toilets and beaches for example. Sex bars, clubs, darkrooms and saunas also have a lot of public play spaces. Yet, it is an interesting observation, that many guys prefer to play “in private” once they are partnered. And while privacy may be a great argument to play at home, it deprives the couple (or even single guys who choose to hookup at home) many possible fun play spaces – and not just commercial ones.

“Once you think about going outside of the home playing gets very adventurous” is what one participant remarks after completing the workshop. “Suddenly you start to think of lots of places where you could have sex. And that’s quite hot.” Especially, if you are… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 25: Playing BDSM

Paul begged for it harder. Danny gave it to him (Kele Moon) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Talking about scenes and creating consent

Yesterday you created three different scene outlines for BDSM scenes, one focusing mostly on sensation, one on power and a third one according to what you like. The focus today will be to focus more on one of the scenes and create the appropriate consent and negotiate the scene. Particularly with BDSM, but also with other sex play, negotiating, imagining and designing the scene can be a major turn on for the people involved. Hence, don’t underestimate the power of scene planning!

If you are doing this workshop with a regular partner, then you should involve him at this stage. As a first step, share the scenes you both created and select one of the six to work on. If you are doing this workshop alone,… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 24: Exploring BDSM

Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow (Cherise Sinclair) Click To Tweet
Today’s objective: Find out more about how BDSM can become part of your sex life.

BDSM, Bondage, Domination, Submission/Sadism and Masochism, can at first seem scary to some people, mostly because it is largely misunderstood and misrepresented. Often it is portrayed as extreme forms of dominance and submission, though in reality, it often is much tamer and consensual than it appears at first. So, cast your preconceptions aside, and think of it as a way of fulfilling all sorts of fantasies, including some you would probably not have thought of as being BDSM… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 23: Playing with Toys

Can you really enjoy playing all without toys? Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Create a toy play scene

Yesterday you should have created a wish-list of three toys or accessories by visiting a sex shop. Probably, you have already imagined how you could use these: either alone or maybe with someone else. Today is the day to bring using one of them to live…

The objective today is to create a scene where you use one of the three toys from your wish-list – but involving another person. If you are doing this workshop alone, then think about the scene and how you’d use the toy on someone else – or have it used on you by someone.

If you are doing the workshop with a partner, vary the activity for today a little:… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here: