Tag: life plans

Transparent sexual selves

Guest post from zoereei blog. Check out his blog for many more posts about sex and about the constant changing nature of life.

I have the freedom to sexually relate to whoever and however I want to. And yet I often keep myself distant, avoiding to meet up with a guy. I’m afraid of being seen as sexually incompetent; even more so, of seeing myself in that light.

My sexual drive pushes me forward at times, to look for excitement, for a thrill, for touch, intensity, physical pleasure. It pushes me to overstep the socially approved boundary, to go into the extreme, to take myself into a space where I lose all control and am at the whims of another, a space where I can be the bad boy.

Another force within me pushes me towards connection, to living an intimate encounter with another man, where sex expresses that connection and where body shape and deficiencies are respected aspects of the other rather than a reason to move away. Sex more than a fuck. The safe space of love.

And yet another force pulls me back, afraid of trusting the other, afraid of disease, afraid of infections, afraid of being used, afraid of being exposed and vulnerable – physically and emotionally – in front of the other.

Shame kicks in. Fear steps into the room.

I feel as virgin as a young teenager at times, within the body of a mature adult. I have very deep insight on some aspects of life, and am so ignorant in such a simple thing as having sex. I know all the theory. I lack a lot of practice. And these discrepancies between the child and the adult, the wise and the ignorant, feel like I’m being sheared in two. And in the arena of sex these feelings turn into ear-splitting rips.

There is no way of stepping out of this loop apart from stepping out. I need to allow someone in, and to allow myself into someone else. Not as how I should be, but as I am. Easier said than done, because who I am is constantly changing. Who will I be when I meet him: the slutty subservient slave, the controlling Dom, the fuck-now-then-see fun person, the let’s-take-it-slowly-and-grow-together lover? Which one is me? Or are all of these me? Which selves will I show? Which ones will I hide?

The path to freedom doesn’t lie in splitting apart my sexual selves, but in integrating them and allowing myself to be seen transparently for who I am.

Scary as fuck!

Originally published on zoreii blog. Thank you for the permission to repost!

Mountains, Beaches and Hippies

A guest post by Anike Marberg

Unbeknown by many people, Portugal has long been a destination for hippies, misfits and those that want to live a different life than the one so often found in many “Western” societies. During the 1970s and 80s, many hippies from Northern Europe, disillusioned by the political and cultural systems and the decline of their movement came to seek an alternative to joining the rat race in their home countries.

Almost secretly, this often overlooked country on the edge of Europe became the new hideaway for those seeking a different life.

Inspired by the beautiful beaches of the Algarve, the rocky mountains of inner Portugal and the near year-round sunshine, many made the trip south, including my parents. Many acquired small farms and lived as self-sufficient farmers, others in small communes while others established small businesses, restaurants and even entire eco-villages.

After living for years in communes in Germany and faced with having to make a choice between taking up ‘proper’ jobs or moving, they set out together for a better life in the sun in 1982. Establishing themselves in the mountains of the West-Algarve, they brought with them not much else but their two kids, a camper van and many ideals and just enough money to buy a small plot of land.

For us kids, living in the sun was a total difference to life in grim and grey Germany. Although the community in the Algarve was much smaller than the community we left behind, it was far more colourful, fun and enjoyable than anything we experienced in Germany. We first lived in a small commune in the western region of the Algarve, were the kids came form all over Europe and even some from Brazil. Playing and being outside became a new way of life. And we explored in amazement our new terrain, the freedom and the wilderness that now became home.

While many Portuguese looked on in puzzled amazement what these foreigners got up to, the welcome was warm and friendly. Curious at times, distant at others, but always in a manner that was pleasant, welcoming and friendly. We soon became friends with some local kids, which meant navigating linguistic, cultural and attitude differences. I still remember trying to explain to a local friend what my parents were doing in this country and why we were not allowed to eat meat. To this day, I’m sure, the now grown up hasn’t quite understood what those strange people did here. But as long as it was fun, it was good enough.

In my early twenties I left to explore the other side of my identity. But after a few years in Germany, I quickly realised that visiting my parents meant more to me than just holidays in the sun. Every time I was back in Munich, I missed the sun, the mountains, the friendly smiles and the happy vibes that made Portugal feel more home than the country where I was born.

When I moved back here in my thirties, it felt like coming home, too. Although I my way of life is different then the way my parents live: I live with a husband, in a comfortable house and with two dogs. Nevertheless, the welcome I received was just the same as the welcome my parents had some twenty years earlier. And I’m loving living here every single day. Even on the rare days where it rains, I’m grateful that my parents made the choice for Portugal – a place I missed so much when I was away.

Welcome to 30 Days for Self-love!

Self-love seems so often unrequited. Anthony Powell Click To Tweet

Welcome to the 30 Days Self-Love! Starting on the 1 May and over the next 30 days this program will focus on developing and fostering your self-love, as loving yourself is probably the most important thing you can do. Without loving yourself, it is hard to develop and keep good relationships, stick up for yourself and support others.

But loving yourself is not as easy as it sounds: with the stresses of modern, daily life, especially as gay men, it is hard to find time and motivation to look at yourself and see how beautiful you really are. But not only time and motivation are a problem: all too often, it can be the environment in which we live, too. Sometimes even supposedly safe spaces, such as the gay scene, can make it really hard for people to love themselves. With constant demands for being perfect, being young, fit, the perfect lover… the scene, the media and people around us can have a seriously detrimental effect on our self-love. With all the demands and stresses related to these constant demands for perfection, it is no wonder that gay men are three times more likely to suffer than straight men.

In fact, the statistics when it comes to gay men and mental health, especially confidence and self-love are truly shocking: in a recent survey by London gay group GMFA, more than half of the men questioned had suicidal thoughts. Almost a quarter of the men surveyed had actually attempted to take their own lives. 70% of the men talked about low self-esteem, with relationship issues, isolation and not feeling attractive major factors. And while for straight men things get better as they age, sadly, this isn’t the case for gay men: Older gay men suffer significantly more from depression and low self-esteem than both their straight and younger counterparts.

So what can we do about this? The first step is to recognise the issue, and to learn and look at ourselves more objectively, and see how we really are. Just think: if you go into a gay bar, would you think that over half of the guys there think that they are not attractive? Probably not. But that is exactly what the statistics tell us. And I’m not talking measuring men about an abstract beauty ideal here. In fact, more than half of gay men think they are unattractive to all or the majority of other gay men. Is it really surprising then, that so few would even think about themselves as loveable?
But luckily, you have decided that it is time to love yourself. And that is, after all, the first and probably biggest step to a develop a happier, healthier, sexier and more attractive you, no matter what your body looks like. Because, as the saying goes, there is nothing as attractive as someone who actually loves himself.

I should briefly add here that loving yourself shouldn’t be confused with narcissism, arrogance or self-centredness: These are the exact opposites of self-love. Mostly they are behaviours developed to hide crippling self-hate. This is a fact worthwhile remembering when you come across someone like that next: behind a facade of criticising and belittling others, mostly hides someone desperately trying to hide his real self from anyone else.

But enough of the backstory, let’s begin with some points about how the program will work:

The program is divided into days. 30 days exactly (hence the name!). Every day will consist of a brief introduction of the topic or concept and how it helps to create real and lasting self-love.
Each day, there will also be an activity to perform. Most of these will be reflective, but some will be actual physical activities. Some of these activities are designed to be a one-off, like making a list of things you like. Others are activities that you can repeat daily if you want. Each activity will tell you about this.

After each activity there are three questions to help you reflect on the activity and to deepen your learning. If you are following the program online or using an eBook version, I suggest you invest in a small note book to keep the notes for each day. If you are using the printed/PDF version of the program, it will have the boxes to put your notes in printed for you.
Importantly: please don’t skip these questions! They may seem trivial and it is often tempting to just focus on the activity. But it is only by reflecting on the activity by using the questions that you can really create actual change.

The program is divided into three parts:

The first part of the program introduces a few basic principles, such as gratitude, kindness, positive thinking and some skills, such as reframing. These form the basic tool kit for the main program.

The second part then uses this tool kit to develop self-esteem and confidence, and identifies strategies for longer lasting, positive change in the way you see yourself.

The third part focuses on developing a realistic body image and identifies strategies and ways to deal with body image issues, including assumptions about the perfect body and challenging negative thinking. In the round-up, the program focuses on developing resilience for the future.

Before we start though a little word of caution: much can be achieved in 30 days. In fact, many people who have followed a 30 day program are often like changed people. However, change doesn’t just happen in 30 days. Keeping up the hard work and sticking with a few of the tools that you’ll be introduced to in the next few days and strategies you’ll develop during the month will help you to really make the change permanent.

And now… sit back and relax. On Monday (Day 1), we will be looking at the concept of self-love in more detail.

To follow the full program, remember to check back on every day from Monday, 1. May. You can also subscribe to the newsletter (sent weekly) here. I’ll be making the full program, including all activities available for free on this website until 31 May. During May, you can save all the daily activities or print them for your own personal use. After this date, you will be able to download all activities and the full text as a PDF-file – or a printed book.

Take-home message for today: It’s not easy to love yourself, but it is probably the most important investment you will make and the basis of a happier future.

Day 1: Self-love basics

It is not what you are that is holding you back. It is what you think that you are not. (Anonymous) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Understand the concept of self-love and how it relates to self-confidence and self-esteem.

Today let’s start with the very basics of the program: looking at the three concepts which are often confused when it comes to how we relate to ourselves: self-confidence, self-esteem – and the idea of self-love. Of course, it is true to say that all three are inter-connected. But it is very important to figure out the differences to achieve actual self-love. To do this, I’ll first look briefly at the very traditional concepts of self-confidence and self-esteem – and then show how self-love relates to these two concepts.

Self-confidence and self-esteem themselves are often confused and used interchangeably, although they are quite different. Confidence is the belief that someone (something) has the ability and is able to “deliver” on something: for example we can be confident that a performer in a theatre can perform well in front of an audience. In the same way, self-confidence is our own confidence in doing something well. Often this can be very specific to certain situations: for example you may have a lot of confidence finding out about great new places in your home city. But you may have little confidence in speaking a foreign language well.

Self-esteem on the other hand is how we relate to ourselves overall: it is the emotional appraisal of ourselves. It is much more global than self-confidence: a person with high self-esteem, will have little motivation, for example, to show off or try to impress others, as he is happy with himself. High, self-esteem is linked to healthy and respectful behaviour towards one-self. This person maybe confident or not in his particular ability to deliver or do something well.

On the flip-side, people with low self-esteem often hide behind areas of their personality, money, prizes etc… which appear to show their ability. If all fails, people with low self-esteem may often seek refuge in drugs or compulsive sexual behaviours. It may appear as if these people have high self-esteem, but, in fact they are not: For example, someone who hides behind titles, money or other ‘confidence props’, is most likely suffering from low self-esteem. This often becomes a very toxic cycle, both for the person himself and for others around him. People with low self-esteem often resort to “falling back on” one area they are confident in: As they are usually able to “deliver” in the area, the success then makes them even more confident in this area. But this may become an avoidance strategy of dealing with areas they are less confident in, in order to avoid exposing their low esteem of themselves.
For people around them, people with low self-esteem can rarely be a supportive or motivating friend: Recognising the potential in others and helping someone to be better than one-self takes a lot of self-esteem.

Self-love complements the idea of self-esteem. While esteem can be high or low, love (at least true love), can only have one true form: unconditional and accepting. Think of someone you loved. You may be able to identify many, many flaws in that person – but you still love that person. This is the basis of the idea of self-love, only this time, the idea is to love yourself – with all your little flaws and imperfections. Thus, it isn’t blind or exaggerated love for yourself, but a way to see your positives and your little imperfections – loving all of them together. The aim of the next 30 days is to achieve exactly this.

Take-home message for today: There are three different concepts how we relate to ourselves. The most important one is self-love: accepting yourself in a realistic way, recognising your imperfections and loving your strengths.

Activity:
You will need your notebook.

The activity today is to identify areas in your life I which you feel you are particularly confident – and areas in which you feel you are not confident at all. The aim is to reflect on the difference between esteem and confidence, and also identify different areas and levels of confidence for working on during the next few days.

Time: approximately 30-40 minutes.

1. In your notebook draw a line in the middle of the page.

2. On the one side of the line, list all the areas you can think of that you are confident in.

3. On the other side of the line, list all the areas you feel not confident in.

4. Finally, take a look at the list and see how the items on both sides relate to your self-esteem. Identify areas which you may be using as “fallback” areas to boost your self-esteem, and those areas you maybe avoiding.

Please note: this can be a quite challenging activity. Take your time with it and be gentle but honest with yourself. After completing the main activity please complete the reflection questions below. These are an important part of the daily activities. By thinking about the activity you help yourself to “digest” what you have learned and make it stick more easily.

How was the activity for you?

Best thing about the activity?

What did you learn?

End of the Day 1 preview. Day 2 and Day 3 are also available online as previews.

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from here

€6,99 – digital download here

30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – NL – IN – JP – BR – AU

Day 3: Kindness

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. (Mark Twain) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Identify the key role kindness can play in developing self-love – and love for others.

The next of the five mental tools to develop self-love is kindness, both for yourself as well as for others. While gratitude is traditionally mostly concerned with what you receive, the other four, including kindness are, in fact, two way streets: they have the amazing ability of being positive both ways – when used towards yourself as well as towards others.

But what exactly counts as kindness? Kindness is notoriously hard to define: It can be doing something “kind”, like running an errand for a friend. Or it can be doing something altruistic, such as giving money to charity. While it is hard to put a finger on, you instantly know when encounter it. It just feels “good”.

And just as much as it feels good, it is important: Did you know that the number one predictor for relationship success is kindness between the couple? One study looked at what created the most lasting and happiest relationships. Good sex, common interests and time spend together were all unsurprisingly important. But actually, when psychologists looked at what kept long-term couples together, they found the one thing that predicted both relationship longevity and relationship satisfaction the strongest was that both parties showed signs of kindness towards each other.

So, while kindness can do amazing things for your relationship, it can do even more amazing things for you:
1) Kindness is a way to connect to people
Simply put, it brings people together. A random act of kindness opens up small spaces where personal relationships can develop. They may not last for long in many cases, but they are seldom forgotten.
2) Kindness is contagious
Talk about karma and kindness: spaces and places where people care for each other have a completely different vibe then places where people try to compete with each other. Why? Even if kindness isn’t immediately reciprocated, it creates an atmosphere of kindness that is hard to escape – and very enjoyable! It lifts the mood of everyone around, including the person that has been kind.
3) Kindness makes a massive difference
Most people remember vividly acts of kindness, or even just kind words or a smile when they needed them. Although the giver may not always get an immediate kind response back, but he will have the knowledge that he has done something to really change the day of someone.

So what makes good kindness?
Some simple rules explain what makes kindness good kindness:
1) Be unconditionally kind
People may not immediately be kind back to you, maybe they are in a bad place at the time. But trust in the karma of kindness. So be kind because you want to be kind.
2) Genuinely care
Probably the most defining characteristic and simple trick to make normal actions kind actions is to inject just a little bit of care and empathy into them. Think how the other person feels and act how you would want to be treated in that situation.
3) Think of the other as a friend
If you’d treat a good friend like that, it is probably kind. That, by the way, includes treating yourself as a good friend!

And one thing that kindness is not… Kindness is not unconditional people pleasing. Recall the “good friend” rule from above. So kindness is not about doing everything that others want, and even less making your own self-esteem dependent on the approval of others. Kindness is treating people well, honest, helpful and friendly – as you would treat a friend. It is about making a positive difference, not being a slave to someone else.

Take-home message for today: Kindness is about being a good friend to yourself and to others.

Activity
You will need your notebook.

Time: 20 minutes extra during the day plus the reflection.

Today’s activity is about using kindness not just on others, but also on yourself. Often, people struggle with being kind to themselves, even if they are very kind towards other people around them. The activity today tries to bring the two together.

1. Think of a situation where a really good friend feels bad. Think in detail about how you respond to the friend, what you would do etc. and write this down on a list.

2. Now think of a similar situation where you feel bad. How do you usually respond to yourself feeling bad? Again write this down on a list.

3. Compare the two lists? Are there many similarities? Or are there many differences in how you’d treat your friend vs yourself? Why would you treat yourself differently?

4. Make a list how you should respond to yourself when you feel bad, based on your reflections above. Put this list in a safe place, so when you feel bad the next time, you can easily reach it and remind yourself.

Finally, think of the activity and record your reflections.

How was the activity for you?

Best thing about the activity?

What did you learn?

End of the preview.

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from here

€6,99 – digital download here

30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – NL – IN – JP – BR – AU

Day 4: Self-Care

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s the foundation for caring about others. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Understanding that caring for yourself and others go hand in hand.

Regularly caring for yourself can seem like it is selfish. It also seems a contradiction to helping others: but it isn’t. At least not, if it is practiced in a way that is balanced with helping others (which in turn is a really great impetus for self-love). In fact, when self-care is exercised as balanced activity, it makes sure you have the power and ability to help others. Thus, it is an essential part of caring for others – and critical for maintaining you in a healthy and happy state. Self-care thus helps to avoid what is often referred to as compassion-fatigue, a state of mind where the person doesn’t want to help anymore. Compassion-fatigue in turn is can lead to less engagement with others and the community, and thus reduces an important source of self-love.

Yesterday you already looked at kindness not just towards others, but also towards yourself. Today it is time to look at regular self-care activities you can

End of the preview.

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from here

€6,99 – digital download here

30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – NL – IN – JP – BR – AU

Day 29: Gains and Progress

Let the gains begin! Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Review the personal journey you have made over the course of this program.

Well done on reaching almost the end of the 30 day program! Before we review all of the key messages of the 30 days tomorrow, today is your opportunity of reviewing your immense personal journey that you have made.

The most important thing is now that you keep up the great work that you have started. Making changes is never an easy process. You were probably used to doing things and seeing yourself in the old way for a very

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from this site

€6,99 – digital download here

30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: US – UK – CA – DE – FR – IT – NL – IN – JP – BR – AU

Making changes? Top 5 tips to keep on track!

If you read self-help advice or websites on how to make changes in your life, it often seems that change is fast and easy. But once anyone embarks on making changes, they quickly realise that things don’t go quite as quickly as planned. So it is really important to remember, when you make changes to your life, give yourself time for change to happen. You will have setbacks, you may even loose all motivation for a while. But that is just a sign that you are on the right track: it may feel like not making much progress, but you are. Don’t give up now.

Setbacks and loosing motivation show you that you're on the right track! Click To Tweet

There is nothing quite as powerful as remembering a U-curve when making changes, embarking on a big project or even trying to completely set your life on a different course: Why? It shows you how you will feel, and be prepared for it.

Most changes follow a U-turn: exciting at first, low in the middle, exciting when you see the results Click To Tweet

For people moving to a different culture (a pretty major change!), this is referred to as the culture-shock phase. It is well researched and so we know what often happens: People move to a new country, they discover many new things and are excited. People are often very positive at this stage.
After a while, they realise things are different and they become frustrated. Maybe start missing their old life (no matter how much better life is in the new place). Everything becomes annoying or irritating, no matter how irrational. The mood swings into very negative, often people suffer seriously at this point.
Importantly though, eventually most people will adjust to the new environment, and their mood returns to positive.

The same holds true for many other things in life, including making much smaller changes than moving countries: Take the example of going to the gym, giving up smoking, changing a habit or introducing a new one.
For example, it’s exciting to start training for a run. The first runs are exciting. After two or three weeks, it seems boring,… the weather isn’t quite right, you’ve done the route five times, it seems you’re not really able to progress…. You can imagine. Of course, trouble is, it is easy to stop it at this point. But then all your progress will be lost. But, if you stick with it, eventually running becomes natural, maybe you look forward to your runs and do your first competitive run.
It may not be quite as dramatic as the culture shock, but you can see the same “U-curve” in action.

Maybe you’ve done a few of the things from the bootcamp. Maybe started meditation. Maybe started to have more tantric connections, make changes to your life. Or maybe all of it. And maybe just about now you are starting to feel a little bored with it.

Knowing change needs time is the key to keeping on track and making changes successfully Click To Tweet

Does that mean the effort was in vain? There is a simple answer: only if you allow it to be in vain. Why? Because the most important step of any journey is always the very first one. You’ve probably stated a few steps in a direction that is right for you right now already.

The only way to make those great first steps not count is to give up now. Yes, it may feel like you have run the same track a few times. It may feel as if you have hit a bit of a plateau. You may lack motivation to change a bit more. So how do you best pull through and get to the good outcome? Here are a five tips:

1) Remember the golden rule of mindfulness: “All will pass”, including the lack of motivation or even temporary setbacks.

2) Identify and label the emotion: you are making changes. It is normal to feel disillusioned when you are making changes, or even questioning if it was a good idea. You are in the U-curve. On the way to get to the next high.

3) Remind yourself of why you made the changes in the first place. Yes, the past often looks rose-tinted, but there was a reason you made the changes.

4) Be gentle with yourself: If you make a step back, identify this. Importantly: Don’t blame yourself, just vow to do it better next time. You will get there when you are ready.

5) Gently guide your mind forward. Don’t dwell to much on the past, rather gently guide your mind to the present and remind yourself of the objective. Keep it in focus.

Hopefully with these five steps in mind, you’ll be able to progress your goals. Even if it doesn’t feel quite like you are making progress, remember, the only way to loose is to give up – always.
With that in mind, I guarantee you: one day you’ll wake up and look back and suddenly realise how far you have come.

Interview with urbangay founder Stephan

Tell us a bit more about the idea behind urbangay?
Urbangay is really an invitation to pause and build an individual philosophy about your life and your sexuality. As such it is collection of different tools and ideas to help live happier and more purposeful lives for gay men. In some ways, I guess, it is about finding a positive response to the often toxic environment in which gay men live. It combines both life-coaching and sexuality skills and tools to help guys create the life and sexuality they really want: a place where they can fully live and be comfortable and happy with whom they are.

Why do you think modern gay life can be a toxic environment?
If you look at gay life, despite all the advances in gay rights, a big issue is that there are still far too few positive examples, which show how to live a happy and purposeful life, or even develop an individual, positive philosophy for yourself as a gay men. Much of the gay scene is based on competitiveness: Often, happiness is synonymous with having the most beautiful body, being young and having lots of a particular kind of sex. The more you fit that ideal, the more ‘successful’ you are assumed to be. And while that is really great for some, and interesting for a while, it can become quite shallow and unhappy as time goes by. For others, especially if you don’t fit into one of the established categories, many people who don’t fit that particular ideal feel excluded and lonely. Either way, rather than liberating, welcoming and inclusive, the quintessential gay life often makes people feel unhappy – others seek more and more ways of finding happiness and fulfilment, often self-destructive. The results can be really devastating. But the point is, they don’t have to be.

What alternatives does urbangay provide?
With urbangay I’m trying to build a community of men who want to embrace a more meaningful life together, including both life in general and their sexuality. Rather than being based on competition, appearance and material and sexual success, urbangay is based on working together and helping each other, accepting differences, encouraging finding your way in life and sex and embracing diversity. That, in a nutshell is the urbangay philosophy.
The core is about developing an individual philosophy, where you combine both happiness in life and sexuality to define who you are and who you want to be. For me, it is really important to be comfortable with whom you are first: only when you feel secure and happy with yourself can you really embrace others and different ideas. As a first step, the programs are designed to make everyone question what it is that they want to achieve in life, and how they want to express and embrace their sexuality as an important part of whom they are. Based on that, everyone develops their own models and puts them into practice. Once they have achieved that, they can then help others achieve the same.

How does the urbangay philosophy work in practice?
There are really two different, interconnected parts: life and sexuality. As for the life part, urbangay offers different tools to ‘design’ a life that you are really happy with. Something that is fulfilling and bring together different skills closely resembling traditional life-coaching ideas.
For the sexuality part, urbangay follows a similar path: the programs try to broaden the mind and let you experience and explore different types of sexuality and ideas about it. Then everyone can choose what is right for them, based on their own ideas and experiences, rather than what ‘is expected’ (or often expected to be expected!)
Both parts are then fused together. This is really important, so that every urbangay is both comfortable with the sexuality they are living and the life that they are living.

What methods does urbangay use to achieve this?
Urbangay mixes different methods or tools if you so want: the main tool is mindfulness. Mindfulness brings awareness to the feelings and emotions in us. This helps to observe and define what you want out of life and sex and see more clearly how and what is important for you, irrespective of what others tell you. So that establishes a foundation from which to grow and develop.
Apart from mindfulness, the different programs borrow other tools: for example, there is a focus on tantra as an alternative to the usual sexual paradigm. But as it is about finding your own way, nothing is prescribed, and you don’t have to become a tantra practitioner. The programs simply contain many  tools and ideas, and everyone is invited to pick and choose to establish their own mix – and share their experiences.

How is urbangay different to other programs out there?
It really depends on which programs you compare it to. In many ways, I think it complements lots of programs more than being different. Mostly it is about developing and individual philosophy for combining life and sex, rather than either one in isolation.
So, for example, there are many general life coaching and happiness programs out there, but they are never really taking account of sexual orientation, and rarely try to bring sexual expression into life as an important aspect of the individual.
Similarly, there are many really great alternative sexuality programs out there, some of whom are linked on the blog. They do fantastic work offering seminars and meetings to explore different forms of sexuality rather than the typical suck, fuck, cum idea. The difference there is that they are often based on particular philosophical or spiritual ideas (e.g. Tantra), and they are often quite focused mostly on sex, rather than bringing both sex and life together.

What about the bootcamp? Is that all that there is?
The bootcamp has just recently finished. I’m really excited about the positive feedback and many people seem to really enjoy the experience. Of course, it is more like dipping your toe into the urbangay ideas. It spends a few days on each of the points. It gives a pretty good grounding of the main ideas, and a basis from which to explore everything more in depth.
Over the next year, there will be many more programs coming up on the site, which explore individual aspects of the urbangay ‘philosophy’ if you so want. So look out for them! They will be available for free during the time they are scheduled to run. So check the website for the details!

Day 31: Sustaining the progress from the bootcamp

Wow! Well done you on completing 30 days of the bootcamp! This is amazing! We have touched on so many things over the last month, I’m sure it was quite a ride! Remember to check back in and pick out the good parts that you feel were particularly beneficial for you. It would also be great to hear from you which parts you enjoyed most! New: urbangay now has a community function – so please take the time and share your experiences there!

If you haven’t checked out the next “30 day” programs, have a look. Each program will pick up one of the themes from the bootcamp and develop it in much greater detail. Check them all out here.

In addition to being freely available on urbangay.org while they are running, they will become available as PDF-workbook downloads after the 30 days. So please make sure you get them!

I hope the bootcamp has been a good 30 days and it would be great to hear from you! Please also remember to share the bootcamp with your friends.

Check out these free programs for mindfulness, happiness, tantra, sex and life http://urbangay.org Click To Tweet