Why do gay men put up with so much mediocre sex?

A guest post by Daniel

Why do we settle for quantity when all we want is quality sex? Click To Tweet

As gay men some of us have lots of sex. And in many places. At least if we want to: we can pick up a guy on the way to work on the train, have sex with guys during our lunch break, at the gym showers in the afternoon and afterwards we can have a threesome with the hot couple from Grindr. Sex is what we are, our favourite hobby and plenty of sex is what we have.

I’m one of these guys who used to have lots of sex. I live in London, so it is easy for me to find the next hook up. From bars, clubs to parks, to apps and fuckbuddies. Last year, my average guy count was somewhere between 10 and 20 guys a week. Many regulars, many not. And I know quite a few guys who easily surpass that number. If this sounds like playing the elysian fields to my straight colleagues, it probably is.

You’d think that all this practice would make “us”, the constantly horny, contantly looking gay guys really good at sex. Yet, time after time, when I just had another Grindr date, changing-room blow job or wank in the park, I remain disappointed. True, I had two or three amazing sessions on the Heath [ed: gay cruising area]. One or two Grindr dates where I felt so satisfied and fulfilled afterwards that I skipped checking out the park on the way home. And I remember the time I had pornable sex in the toilets close to work.

I ask myself, is why are there so few times that I remember? I have cum in the toilets at work thousands of times. Mostly down the drain. I fucked an uncountable number of guys in the park. And I dare not put a number on the number of Grindr dates I had. And off all those times taken together, I remember not much more than a handful. Why? Because the thousands of other times were unremarkable at best, and downright bad most of the times. But the lure of the good ones kept me coming back for more. Hoping, like an addict, that the next guy would be one of the few times I had sex to remember. But in almost all cases, I ended up with just another bad or mediocre episode soon to be forgotten.

I ask myself why aren’t we better at it? With all our experience, shouldn’t we be monumentally good at sex anywhere, anytime? Instead, why do we put up with a quick wank at the urinal, a uninspired suck in the bushes and a lacklustre fuck to round the day off?

Many sexperts will say it is because anonymous and quick sex is simply hollow. And I give them right. But that is hardly a revelation, we all know it. My question remains: why don’t we invest more into learning and improving the sex we have?

I’m ready to admit, I’m as guilty as anyone in this respect. I often put up with what I can find, even if I know there are better ways.

For me, finding this out was during the sexual discovery workshop. I discovered a path to better sex. Not by having more of the same sex, but by thinking about how to make sex better. What was it that I really wanted?

The result of the workshop for me was at first contradictory: Instead of more sex, I have less sex now. But, it is better sex. Sex that is satisfying and leaves me fulfilled. The sort of sex that I remember, and not the sex I want something else five minutes after. I’m not there yet all the time. And while many of my friends laugh at me for no longer being on Grindr 24/7, and think I’m simply becoming old when I politely signal to the hunky guy in the gym showers that I’m not up for it right now. But I know for myself, that once I do have sex nowadays I don’t just forget it afterwards. Instead, I know, I have a good chance of experiencing something actually worth memorising.

To those men out there who are left unsatisfied by just an other understall wank, I have one suggestion to make: Put yourself out of mediocrity and start upgrading your own sex, sexual knowledge and work on finding sex that is worth it. Learn about sex positivity. Embrace sex scene writing. Don’t just settle that quick fuck or the wank that just happens. Because it is the best gift you can make yourself.

Daniel is in his late thirties and lives and works in London. Originally from a small town, he enjoys the big city and embraces the diverse experiences there. He is starting to build his own network of regular guys to have sex with now, while hoping to delete hook-up apps one day. Thank you for contributing!

Day 28: Playing with others

Three is not always a crowd Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Thinking about adding others into your play

Opening up can be a tricky subject for some people, while others see it as a natural part of gay sex. Some couples avoid it all together, others have elaborate rules on where, when and how – while other couples, or indeed people living in polyamorous relationships, embrace it wholeheartedly. The variety of constellations around playing with more than “the one” are truly fascinating. The fact to remember that sex and love are linked, but not the same is essential in this respect.

I have come across many people who would consider playing with partners outside their relationship as the cornerstone of their relationship: and often… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 27: Jealousy

Jealousy is the fear of comparison. (Max Frisch) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Identify and talk about jealousy

It is impossible to talk about sex, and adopting a sex positive attitude without also considering at least briefly jealousy. Of course, some people are more jealous than others, and some people even assume that jealousy is a sign of love. Some psychologists have identified jealousy to plague around a third of partnerships, often with disastrous results for the relationship.

Most people feel jealous once in a while – or they think they will be jealous. A little observation: many people who go as a couple to a sex workshop assume that they will feel jealous. Often many requests that they can work exclusively together… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 26: Playing in public or outside

Liberate your sex life: play outside. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Think about playing… in public or outside

So far this workshop has focused mostly on the “technical” aspects of sex: that is to say one thing that the workshop hasn’t focused on, is where to play… However, exploring different options can create lots of excitement and add a lot of spice to your sex life.

Gay culture is, of course, full of public places where sex between men happens: parks, toilets and beaches for example. Sex bars, clubs, darkrooms and saunas also have a lot of public play spaces. Yet, it is an interesting observation, that many guys prefer to play “in private” once they are partnered. And while privacy may be a great argument to play at home, it deprives the couple (or even single guys who choose to hookup at home) many possible fun play spaces – and not just commercial ones.

“Once you think about going outside of the home playing gets very adventurous” is what one participant remarks after completing the workshop. “Suddenly you start to think of lots of places where you could have sex. And that’s quite hot.” Especially, if you are… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 25: Playing BDSM

Paul begged for it harder. Danny gave it to him (Kele Moon) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Talking about scenes and creating consent

Yesterday you created three different scene outlines for BDSM scenes, one focusing mostly on sensation, one on power and a third one according to what you like. The focus today will be to focus more on one of the scenes and create the appropriate consent and negotiate the scene. Particularly with BDSM, but also with other sex play, negotiating, imagining and designing the scene can be a major turn on for the people involved. Hence, don’t underestimate the power of scene planning!

If you are doing this workshop with a regular partner, then you should involve him at this stage. As a first step, share the scenes you both created and select one of the six to work on. If you are doing this workshop alone,… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 24: Exploring BDSM

Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow (Cherise Sinclair) Click To Tweet
Today’s objective: Find out more about how BDSM can become part of your sex life.

BDSM, Bondage, Domination, Submission/Sadism and Masochism, can at first seem scary to some people, mostly because it is largely misunderstood and misrepresented. Often it is portrayed as extreme forms of dominance and submission, though in reality, it often is much tamer and consensual than it appears at first. So, cast your preconceptions aside, and think of it as a way of fulfilling all sorts of fantasies, including some you would probably not have thought of as being BDSM… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 23: Playing with Toys

Can you really enjoy playing all without toys? Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Create a toy play scene

Yesterday you should have created a wish-list of three toys or accessories by visiting a sex shop. Probably, you have already imagined how you could use these: either alone or maybe with someone else. Today is the day to bring using one of them to live…

The objective today is to create a scene where you use one of the three toys from your wish-list – but involving another person. If you are doing this workshop alone, then think about the scene and how you’d use the toy on someone else – or have it used on you by someone.

If you are doing the workshop with a partner, vary the activity for today a little:… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 22: Toys and Accessories

What do you keep in your bedside table? Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Think about how toys and accessories can spice up your sex life.

Toys and accessories can bring completely new experiences to whatever sex life you choose to have. And the number of different gadgets, gizmos and gimmicks available are pretty infinite. Yet, with all that variety, many toys get banned into the uncomfortable position of replacements for the real thing, a bit like masturbation. Which is a real shame, as they can enhance any play: alone, as a couple or a group. So, maybe it is time to liberate those devices and brig them centre stage.

You probably have a fairly good idea what kind of devices are available. At least the classic toys, such as dildos, hand cuffs, cock rings and harnesses etc… Maybe you have already experimented with some of them or have some at home. Maybe some are old, or maybe some are new. Whatever you already have, ignore for today. The point of today is… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 14: Edge yourself

Orgasm and ejaculation are not the same. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Understand the logic of “non-ejaculation”

If cuming, as a way of saying ejaculation, sounds like the best thing in sex to you… you are not alone: I reckon 99% of males think exactly that. The problem? Most men learn from puberty onwards that ejaculation and orgasm are the same. And that means you can’t have multiple orgasms immediately after each other. But… luckily that is simply not true. It just requires a bit of unlearning to figure out how to orgasm multiple times…

Most of the ancient techniques that teach men how to orgasm multiple times come from China, or more specifically from the Taoist teachings about sex. We will explore a bit more of these teachings over the next few days. Taoist views of sex are very different from the views mostly held in the “West”, which actually makes Taoist teachings about sex fairly sex-positive.

One of the key principles of Taoism is the reliance on different forms of energy. The most precious one? Jing (精), or sexual energy and essence, which is… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 13: Wanking and Masturbation

Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love. (Woody Allen as Alvie Singer) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Celebrate having sex with yourself

Wanking or masturbation is a tricky topic for many, riddled with shame and guilt. Many people grow up to associate masturbation as an inferior replacement to having sex with someone else. Or worse, that having sex with yourself is deeply connected to evil, lust and sin, and therefore a ticket to go to hell straightaway. The problem with all of this? You’re missing out on having sex with the one person who totally understands you, is always horny when you are… and knows exactly how to make you feel right. At least if… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here: