Give the Gift of Tantra

Christmas is the time of giving… but giving just another perfume, more wine or the latest underwear often isn’t as meaningful as something really deep and connected. So, this Christmas, why not give something that no money can buy to the most important person(s) in your life: pure love, sacred intimacy and unconditional pleasure?

If you have already experimented with tantra, you’ll know how the most basic tantric “steps” can bring new levels of intimacy and connectedness to you and your partner. And if you haven’t tried out this powerful way to connect, why not do it right now? The good news: you don’t have to be a tantra master to feel the effects, and you don’t need several hours or many esoteric techniques to get started. Here are a five basic steps for your “Gift of Tatra”:

1) Set the scene and bring some time
Light some nice candles, select some relaxing music – and bring some time for the session. Remember the point of tantra is not a focus on the genitalia (and orgasm), but it is a whole body experience.

2) Begin by making a connection
Tantra is about connecting with the partner: start by breathing together, slowly moving on to touching your partner. Remember to it is about the whole body and about making a connection. Don’t head straight for the cock, balls, and ass… but take your time to explore the magic of touch. To explore  more about making a connection through touch and breathing, see Day 18 of Sexual Discovery.

3) Slowly move towards giving (and receiving)
The emphasis is on slow. Enjoy teasing your partner, gently stroking him, brushing your arm against his erogenous zones etc… and allow him to give back if he wants to!

4) Lingam Massage
Massage his body, feel the connection and slowly move towards the penis (or lingam) as the final act in your “gift of tantra). Lingam massage (find out more here) can be one of the most powerful ways to stimulate your partner, therefore, again remember to play slow and aim to avoid a quick orgasm. See this article for more on how to give multiple orgasms to your partner.

5) Finish where you started
Remember to connect and breathe together after your partner has climaxed. The time immediately after releasing all the powerful sexual energy is the best to really connect and create an intense feeling of intimacy.

The main point: enjoy the experience! And it will definitely be an unforgettable gift for your partner – and yourself!

5 Reasons to schedule a long sex session with your partner – right now.

With the nights getting longer, here are five great reasons to make room in your busy schedule for a longer sex session with your partner – right now.

1. Really feel the sex
Spontaneous and quick sex is great, however, it is often over before your mind had time to “arrive”. Scheduling a longer session gives both of you time to prepare, look forward to and really bring your mind with you to feel all the sensations and be present.

2. Create intimacy
Often sex is confused with creating intimacy in a relationship. And while sex is really important in maintaining a relationship, what really counts is not the number of times you have sex – but the intimacy you are creating while having sex. Slow sex really gives time for intimacy feelings to develop, injecting tons of intimacy into your relationship.

3. Feel good afterwards
Long sex is a master in giving you afterglow. Why? It gives time for all the happy hormones you produce during sex to really play their role in your body. The result? A happy smile for hours to come!

4. Connecting beyond your sexual partner
Long lasting sex actually helps you connect to people beyond the ones you are having sex with. Feelings of intimacy with your partner and satisfaction often reflect into other parts of your life, and help you make more friendly and positive connections beyond the person you had sex with!

5. De-stress
Finally, sex is one of the best ways to de-stress. Had a hard day at work? There is an easy way to be more productive again the next day: switch off the TV and bring some real intimacy into your life with your partner.

Ready for some slow sex?
Check out some of the tips of creating long-lasting intimate connections in the Sexual Discovery workshop and book: From connections through touch with your partner – to edging yourself if you don’t have a partner right now. And don’t forget, the Tantric Vibes workshop starts in January!

It’s great news and exciting news!

You probably noticed that it has been a little quiet on the urbangay website recently. This is because I was really busy with two great projects – and I’m excited to let you know more about them today – and more will be revealed over the next few weeks!
Although there was more interaction as the curators for the @urbangay twitter account took over last month, now it is all back to me… so I’m looking forward to hearing from you! And here are the details of the exciting things that are happening in the world of urbangay:

1. The Quinta Project
The “Queer Quinta” project has been the main focus of my work in the recent months. To summarise the project: it will be a queer/gay ecovillage right in the heart of Portugal, with facilities for co-living, retreats and learning – a haven away from the big city, and a refuge for those seeking to connect with themselves, other guys and nature in a queer/gay environment.
The great news is that I have recently made an offer on a property, and now the solicitors are working through the purchase details. Fingers crossed, this will be completed early next year. You can follow all the updates and find out more details on the Queer/Gay Quinta webpage – and via Twitter @gayquinta.

2. Tantric Vibes Workshop
The next workshop will come up in January: Tantric Vibes combines ancient ideas from Tantra and Taoism with more modern influences such as Orgasmic Yoga into a comprehensive intimacy workshop for gay men. The release is a little later than planned (sorry for this!). The great news though is, that the final workshop has evolved much from the original workshop plan, and includes many more interactive exercises for you and your partner(s). I’ll post a few more details before January – and in the meantime, get set to start your new year in the most intimate and sexiest way – ever!

I’m really excited about the new big projects – and I hope you’ll enjoy being part of them! Please get in touch with any questions or suggestions… it is always great to hear from you!

Day 21: Tantric Sex

A deep meditation, a holy communion and a dance with the force of creation. (Marcus Allen) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Create a tantric experience

While Tantra often gets associated mostly with massage, tantric play can be much more between two or more lovers. The first and most important key to tantric play is that orgasm is not the objective. Rather, tantric play emphasises the intimate connections between lovers, through mutual touch, meditation, massage and sex.

It makes sense that such a play session is not hurried, rather that it slowly evolves from the initial connecting phases to actual sex and climax. While the popular idea of three or more hours of sex is quite extreme, you can imagine that this type of playing takes significantly more time than the standard “fuck and go”. The effect of this is that, especially after some training, sex starts to take a whole new meaning for tantric practitioners: it becomes an intensely satisfying experience. And while it takes some amount of planning, the increased satisfaction and pleasure derived from a full tantric session makes this worthwhile. As one participant said: “When I started practicing tantric sex, simply finding the time and peace was a challenge. But the more I practiced, the better it got. And eventually having tantric sessions has become like planning afternoons or evenings for me and my partner. We really have certain days where we are fully planning ahead to perform a tantric session in the evening, for example. The reward is certainly worth it. As we are now much more soulmates, connected through intimacy and mind-blowing sessions of sex”.

Rituals and scripts are the cornerstone of tradition-inspired spiritual tantra practice. However,

[End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 20: Prostate Massage

Easier to find than a G-spot. Harder to forget. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Brush up on the male G-spot

It’s probably a pretty open secret that a man’s most pleasurable body part is not the penis… but what lies behind the penis: the prostate gland, the male g-spot or the scared gland as some tantric practitioners call it. Whatever you call it, it is the gland that gives you the most pleasure when you bottom – or when you massage the scrotum.

If you have never tried to locate the gland, it is also fairly easy to find. You can try it out either by yourself or on your partner: Insert a (well lubricated) finger in the anus. Now bend the finger slightly towards the penis. You’ll feel a small, walnut-size “bump”. This is the prostate gland.

Giving and receiving a prostate massage can be a highly pleasurable experience for both guys: For the receiver because… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 19: Tantric Genital Massage (Lingam Massage)

Touch me, touch the palm of your hand to my body as I pass. (Walt Whitman) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Explore tantric massage techniques

Tantric massage has achieved something of a nearly mystical status. And while it is an amazing ways to massage your partner, in the end, tantric massage is relatively similar to a gentle massage… with the exception of it ending up focusing on the penis (or lingam as it is called in Tantric circles). Of course, it is important to remember that, although there is focus on the penis, an actual orgasm is a bonus – but it is not the foremost goal of the massage.

To start a tantric massage session make sure the room is warm and comfortable. Music can help enormously to relax. If you want you can use a connection ritual to start the massage: Either use the one from yesterday, or alternatively, ask the person to lie on his front, and touch each chakra gently for three breaths. Synchronise your breathing and start at the heart chakra, and then work your way from the root chakra to the crown chakra (see yesterday). Once you have connected, ask the person to turn around and, start gently massaging his back, shoulder, arms, his legs and his arse. Once you are done with the back, ask him to turn around. You can return to the shoulders, then his chest, tummy and legs. Remember there is no correct or incorrect way to massage him or any sequence to follow. It is about connecting and preparing him for the lingam massage. A few tips:… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Day 18: Tantra Breathing and Connecting

Love has the same relationship to the soul as breathing has to the body (Osho) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Experiment with tantric connection

Tantra, at least for gay men, has become synonymous for massage through the pioneering work of several writers and teachers who have adopted Tantra to gay sex. However, it is important to note that Tantra goes far beyond slow and intimate forms of massage: it is about connecting fully with the other person through breathing, touch and sex. In other words, it is about a deep and intimate connection.

Tantra has some similarities to Taoist views about sex. Two particularly important similarities are that both use breathing extensively (though differently) and both consider the way you have sex more important than orgasm and especially ejaculation. Different to Taoism, many Tantra practitioners do not practice semen retention, although some have adopted this from Taoism.

Tantric sex generally heaps a lot of spirituality onto having sex, something that maybe appealing for some, but very off-putting for others. Over the next few days I’m inviting you to explore Tantra not from a spiritual perspective, but to focus on the experience. I’m therefore not going to delve into many of the more spiritual explanations and practices, but focus more on the techniques that make Tantra a very uniquely intimately sexual experience. If you want to explore the spiritual side of (gay) Tantra, please check out the store at You’ll find several recommended books there about the subject.

The beginning of a Tantric ritual (or let us call it Tantric sex) is always establishing a connection between the people. This creates a feeling of intense intimacy between the people. “I really never imagined how intense the feelings can be. It was quite a shock really when I first started and something I never imagined. It seems simple in a way, but really powerful”, is how one participant describes his first experiences. The key elements of this introduction… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Coming 1 July: 30 Days Sexual Discovery

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

The free, 30 day of workshop will start 1 July, exclusively for urbangay members. Broaden your sexual horizon: experiment with new ways to play, discover ancient sex secrets and write your very own sexual manifesto!

From multiorgasmic play to kink –
it’s a journey like no other.

Topics covered in the workshop:

  • Develop a sex positive attitude
  • Dealing with fear, shame and guilt
  • How to “own” your sex
  • Making consent sexy
  • Taoist multiorgasm techniques
  • Tantra intimacy rituals
  • Toys, BDSM and public play
  • Jealousy and relationships.

I never really thought about what I wanted
so I never imagined the possibilities.

The workshop totally changed me.

The workshop will be available completely free , exclusive to members of online during July. If you are not a member yet, you can join here. It is free. And I promise you, I won’t ever sell your details.

See you 1 July!


Tantra vs “normal” sex: What is the difference?

One of the most common questions I have been asked about Tantra is if it isn’t just a very drawn out and long sexual encounter, which is a common misconception. In fact, Tantra is a completely different idea than “normal” sex, largely because the “focus” and “objective” is different, which makes it a very different experience altogether.

It is true that both forms of sex have some similarities – and in fact, start in very similar ways: e.g. by some sort of mutual attraction and stimulation. However, from the departure point onward, things get quite different. For “normal” sex, the idea is to have a slow (or sometimes fast) rise of sexual energy, leading to an eventual climax in the form of an orgasm. In other words, the focus is largely on achieving orgasm, and while it could take longer or be more quickly done, there is only a fairly limited attention to how you get there.

In Tantric sex, the focus isn’t on the orgasm at all. In fact, some people (though by no means everyone!) suggest that any form of orgasm should be avoided – as it releases all the sexual energy, and that could lead to an abrupt end of the intercourse.
Instead, the focus is shifted towards the “now”: during tantric sex, the participants don’t try to focus on orgasm or work towards a climax, but focus on the feelings they have at this very moment. I.e. how does it feel to be touched in a particular area, how the feeling changes with repeated touching etc. As you are not working towards orgasm, tantric sex can sometimes feel a bit more like (intimate forms of) massage – although clearly the focus during a massage is again very different. For two males, this can mean that erection is lost at times, which is perfectly fine during tantric sex, as the focus is not the climax itself. In fact, much more, tantric sex in an ideal form can be playing out in waves of higher excitement and lower stimulation. The trick here is that each time the next wave is coming, the wave can often be a little “higher” in terms of sensation than the previous one. This sometimes gets described as “endless orgasms” – although generally it isn’t about achieving several orgasm during one particular session, but rather coming fairly close to climax, relaxing again, before again coming close etc..

Because there is no identifiable climax (or release) in tantric sex, sessions can take a very long time: moving from wave to wave. Some tantrists will even almost stop… relax, chant, drink, eat etc.. between waves. While the latter may be extreme, the main point is to remember that the focus is not on any form of climax – but simply on enjoying the very moment of “now”, focusing on the togetherness, connectedness and intimacy at this moment. Simply put: a sort of “mindfullness” idea of the sexual experience.

Both forms of sex are therefore completely different in the outcome: the main outcome of tantric sex is a series of (prolongued) moments of intimacy. Climax is not directly relevant to the tantric mindset. For normal sex, on the other hand, generally the orgasm is in focus, i.e. it is much more goal oriented and focused on achieving a specific outcome. Of course, you can combine the two: for example, through an extended period of tantric experiences first, with the ultimate wave directed towards achieving orgasm. In that case, it wouldn’t be a true form of either – but possibly a very enjoyable experience for everyone.