Let’s start the week Sex-Positively!

It’s the start of the new week, and also the first Monday of December! What better reason than to check in with ourselves and see if our own mindset isn’t besieged by the popular sex-negative attitude surrounding us in our society today.

What is a sex-positive mindset all about? Here is an exert from Day 5 of my book “Sexual Discovery for Gay Men“:

Day 5
The Sex-Positive Mindset

Today’s objective: Defining sex-positivity

Well, for three days we have been dealing with negative stuff. High time to switch and focus on the positive! So, let’s see what a sex positive mindset looks like. I’m avoiding the term environment here, as sadly the reality is that most societies are simply highly sex negative. But individuals can change their mindset! Hence it seems sensible to focus on the individual at this point.

Sex-positivity in itself is quite a challenge to define, at least in detail.  Basically it is obviously the opposite to sex negativity, which is the space where sex is always subject to judgement by others and manipulated to fit a certain ideal. Hence, sex-positivity is a space where individuals ‘own’ their sex without judgement. It means embracing diverse forms of sex, respecting not only yourself but also others. How does this look in practice? In my own way of looking at it, having a sex positive mindset involves seven principles:

1) Own your sex
First and foremost, having a sex positive mindset is about ‘owning’ your sex: it is yours to give, not theirs to take. And only you know what you want, how you want it, how often you want it. Don’t let your environment dictate what you should have or should not be having.

2) Respect everyone’s choices regarding their sex
Just as you have the right, it is important to extend the same respect to others. This means acknowledging everyone’s right to have the sex they want to have – including their right not have sex. It is not for you to judge others and the sex they own.

3) Consent
Sex between partners must be negotiated. Clear, enthusiastic consent is the basis of all sex positive sex. Your sex is yours. Their sex is theirs. Implied or assumed consent is not enough. Neither one has the right to force or manipulate someone else to have sex they don’t want. But also, neither one has the right to stop anyone from having the sex they want, as long as it is with people who consent to it.

The first three are the core principles of sex-positivity for me. The following four points flow from these three. While the first three are necessities, the next four are rights. That is to say you have the right to do this, but there isn’t an obligation to do them.

4) Exploring your sex freely
You have the right to explore your sex freely, the way you want to. You have the right to challenge sexual role models and you should expect to be encouraged, respected and supported to do this by your partners.

5) Engaging with your fantasies
You have the right to engage and develop your fantasies and express them freely without fear of judgement or disrespect.

6) Learning about sex
You have the right to learn about sex: different types of sex, sexual health, ways of expressing sexuality,… nobody should ever stop you from learning.

7) Communicate
You have the right to communicate freely and honestly about sex, sexual fantasies, experiences and ideas. Of course, this is extremely important in consent seeking. But communication goes beyond this. If you had good sex, make sure you tell your partner. If you had bad sex, and you want to improve it with the same partner, talk to him.

I hope these seven principles make sense to you. Of course, you may choose to define your own way of seeing sex-positivity. In fact, taking the above as an example, I’d like you to write your own sex positive manifesto today. That is to say, don’t make it a few general points which are applicable to everyone. Write a sex positive manifesto just for you.

Take-home message for today: A sex positive is about owning your sex. And respecting the rights of others to do the same.

Want to explore more about a sex-positive life?
My book contains all the materials for the Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop and is available from any good bookseller.

ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Three reasons to get active for every gay man

A guest post by Paul, who is the curator for the @urbangay twitter this week, follow him, interact and talk to him on twitter until Sunday!

This week I’m taking over the @urbangay twitter account for a week. My interest is mainly in being healthy and active, and I think it is something really important. Not just because of the obvious and well-known health reasons (and making for better sex!). But there are three more reasons why it is especially important for gay men. Here they are:

1) It’s great to make you feel good
Engaging in sports and eating a healthy diet to help you fuel your activities has an unbelievably great influence on how you feel about yourself and your life. Simply engaging in regular exercise has the same effect on you as taking antidepressants, but with only positive side-effects. With gay men much more likely than straight folks to have mental health issues for many reasons, exercise can be a key to make us happier and healthier. Of course, you don’t have to feel down, or even start an overwhelming exercise program: even small steps will have a great effect, at least when you do them regularly. So start and get active today and within a week you will see how much better you feel!

2) It will improve your body image
Not just your mood and how you feel about yourself and others around you will improve: but your body image will also become much better. Body image problems are endemic in the gay community. I used to hate my body when I was a teenager, and even into my twenties. Only when I started exercising regularly did I start to love me and my body. And I’m not saying this because I became muscular and looking like a sex god (I didn’t!). But because exercise influences how you feel about your body!

3) You can make so many new friends!
Finally, I found that exercise is a big benefit for a great social life. It binds together like nothing else. I love joining in with LGBT-sports groups or events, and I bet you’d love it, too! If you live in or near a bigger city see if there are any gay sports organisations you can join. There are lots of these around and many organisations have something for every taste: from yoga to rugby. And don’t forget outdoor sports away from the big cities like skiing and hiking, too! You won’t believe how it changes your social life!

Let me know what you think about sport, being active and healthy and gay! Tweet to me and follow my tweets @urbangay all this week!

Day 9: Sexual Learning

Learning is an experience. Everything else is just information. (Albert Einstein) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Outline your sexual learning

As the saying goes… What’s better than learning? More learning! You have now started the first steps on the most fun and satisfying journey you can take. And, after the planning and outlining a journey destination yesterday, it is now time to find out what there is to discover. In other words, today will be all about making your personal, sexual learning plan.

Why is learning so important? For a start, even if you know everything there is to know about sex today… tomorrow you’d have something else to learn. But not just that: imagine the many aspects of sex you may have no idea about until now. It maybe that the best sex ever is just a short learning trip away. In fact,… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
and hot, playful learning!

Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Welcome to the Sexual Discovery workshop!

Sex is emotion in motion (Mae West) Click To Tweet

Welcome! Welcome to this workshop and this journey! Starting on Saturday, the next 30 days we will talk sex. Lots of sex. In fact, a little bit of sex every day.

The key theme over the next 30 days is your own, personal and individual sexual discovery. What is it that you really like? What turn you on? What things would you like to try? Whom are you as a sexual person? And how do you use sex to relate to other people.

I went to a Gay Sex Workshop

I never thought one weekend could make such a difference. Click To Tweet

A guest post by Andreas

I came across the ad for the sex workshop on one of the online dating sites. Interested in what it was, I clicked the ad to find out more. Looking through the website of the workshop I found a few weekend classes being held in my city, one of which starting in two weeks. Without much thinking, I decided to give it a try. My sex life for the last few months had been pretty dull. I had only a handful of online dates, and nothing ever was a real connection. Even the sex was just dull. I hadn’t been out on the scene, and didn’t really want to go, as I find it too competitive and hard for me to speak to someone. So a sex workshop seemed a thing to try and revive my sex life, maybe learn a few things or even make some friends.

With the date approaching I started to get a lot more nervous than I anticipated when I signed up: I started to have doubts about the guys. How they would react to me. I was getting nervous about being naked, as the workshop information said. If there would really be sex? How would that work? What if I don’t want to do it? A lot of questions came to my mind.

A day before the workshop all the doubt got the better of me, and I almost pulled out. What rescued it was that an email with the directions had the phone number of the workshop trainer. Full of doubts I called him, secretly hoping he would tell me not to come.

He answered and was very patient with my questions. I never expected that. I’m not a really confident guy when it comes to sex. I see lots of guys who are just going for it, in bars or wherever. But that is not me. I get horny, I think I can do it, but then I get scared. That’s how I would describe me. And the workshop was exactly this.

So I was glad to hear some reassuring words from the trainer, who also told me that I could always pull out. But before, he encouraged me to give it a try. The environment would be quite different to a sex club or sauna. And they also had a separate space where one could go and take a break. Also he told me that my doubts were totally normal. Most guys had those doubts, and I’ll see how they are nervous on the day, too.

Nervously I went to the venue on the day. It was an early evening “check-in”, where everyone arrived before the start of the main workshop the next day. I was way too early, so I went to a have a coffee around the corner. Again, I nearly pulled out, but eventually I got myself together and went over to the venue.

The venue was a little hidden. When I arrived I was greeted by the trainer and a few other men sitting in what looked like a kitchen. To my relief they were all dressed. Most people also seemed quiet and normal, not at all how I imagined this to be. More men joined us, but most seemed not to know anyone. This was a bit of a relief, as I imagined lots of couples would be there. But it also meant many people were just sitting there quietly.

When the time came to start, we were asked to take off our shoes and move to the main room. The trainer started by explaining the rules of the workshop. Still fully dressed, we eventually started to have some ice breaking activities. These included hugging and touching at some point, but it was all very respectful and in a really supportive and positive way. After the introduction session everyone walked to a nearby restaurant to have dinner together. It really felt very different from anything I have ever experienced: like a connection had been made.

I’m not going to give away too much of what happened over the next two days of the workshop. But for me it was an amazing experience. We talked about our fears, our sex life, our sexual roles. Yes, we did get naked. No, we didn’t have any full on sex with each other. But what we did was built trust and shared an amazing experience. Different to the hook ups and dates I had met on the scene. Something much deeper than I imagined. It was a different experience to anything I had ever experienced.

The outcome of the workshop was not just that I had made new friends. I also learned some techniques. The most important outcome, however, was that I learned how to face myself and my fears. I embraced the core theme of sex-positivity and although it still is a journey to be traveled for me,  I feel now a very changed man. Changed for the better. And I just booked my next workshop. This time, without the fears. But looking forward to a weekend with like-minded guys, making new connections, learning new things and exploring more about what I really want.

Andreas is in his mid-forties and lives alone together with his dog in a big city in a small country…   Thank you to Andreas for this guest post!

30 Days of Sexual Discovery… Day by Day

Your hottest summer yet:
30 days of sex positive,
playful learning – are you ready?

Just a few more days before the online version of the Sexual Discovery workshop will start! Here is a sneak peak at all the topics for each day… so make sure you check back on the 1. July to start your personal journey of sexual discovery!

  1. Overview and Aims
  2. Sex Negativity
  3. Shame
  4. Fear
  5. Sex Positivity
  6. Your sexual routines
  7. Your fantasy scripts
  8. Owning your sex
  9. Learning about sex
  10. Talking about desires
  11. Consent seeking
  12. Talking consent
  13. Exploring masturbation
  14. Non-ejaculatory masturbation
  15. Taoist breathing techniques
  16. Taoist stop techniques
  17. Taoist sex and the PC muscle
  18. Tantra breathing and connecting
  19. Tantra massage
  20. Tantra prostate massage
  21. Tantra sexuality
  22. Toys and accessories
  23. Toy Play
  24. Exploring BDSM
  25. BDSM play
  26. Public play
  27. Jealousy
  28. Playing with others
  29. Personal review
  30. The journey ahead

The welcome guide will be posted Wednesday next week… Please remember: the workshop will be available free of charge to members, and you’ll need a free membership account to access the workshop each day! If you are not already a member, then you can register here.

Day 28: Coping Statements

These are just feelings and they will pass. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Identify a series of coping statements

As the final step in building ways to deal with potential setbacks or problem situations on your way to a happier and more self-loving person, today’s focus will be on developing a set of coping statements.

Coping statements are small, supportive sayings, ideas or quotes that help you through tough times. They are an example of positive self-talk, which you can recall when a situation gets challenging. There is really no

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from this site


30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: USUKCADEFRITNLINJPBRAU

Day 27: Strategies for dealing with problems

You can’t control every situation. But you can control how you deal with it. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Identify strategies to deal with potential problem situations.

Yesterday you identified the Top 5 most impactful potential problem situations, either as single situations – or a chain of events. Today’s activity will ask you to develop a strategy to deal with these.

Now that you had some time to think about the situations, let’s think of ways to deal with them. You have probably already thought through a few potential solutions for the situations when you first wrote them down. Now it is time to commit to them, and think of

End of the preview.

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from here


30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: USUKCADEFRITNLINJPBRAU

Day 26: Identifying problem situations

 

A problem is a chance for you to do your best. (Duke Ellington) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Start to create resilience by identifying problem situations

Wow! Before you even read any further, pat yourself on the back: the 30 Day program is almost over… and we have covered an amazing amount of material. If your head is spinning a bit at this moment, don’t worry: it will take some time for all the material and changes to filter through into your daily life. You may see the first benefits already: maybe you simply stop your thoughts sometimes and remember something from here. That is real progress. If this happens to you, congratulate

End of the preview.

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from here


30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: USUKCADEFRITNLINJPBRAU

Day 25: Challenging negative assumptions

Whether you think you can or you can’t. You’re right (Henry Ford) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Identify unhelpful assumptions and develop a strategy to challenge unhelpful assumptions

Yesterday’s thought diary is a very powerful tool to help you face situations where your are feeling anxious about what will happen. Challenging these situations is important as it helps to correct unrealistic predictions – especially in as far as the reactions of others are concerned.

However, reactions of others are only half the story: the other half that leads to

End of the preview.

“I went from questioning myself and self doubting to
building love for myself. Thank you!”

The full workshop with all activities is available as a digital download directly from here


30 Days of self-loveor buy the book now from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1546592815 (soft cover)   978-1370141586 (eBook)
To order online – via bookfinder
Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR
Amazon Kindle: USUKCADEFRITNLINJPBRAU