Let’s start the week Sex-Positively!

It’s the start of the new week, and also the first Monday of December! What better reason than to check in with ourselves and see if our own mindset isn’t besieged by the popular sex-negative attitude surrounding us in our society today.

What is a sex-positive mindset all about? Here is an exert from Day 5 of my book “Sexual Discovery for Gay Men“:

Day 5
The Sex-Positive Mindset

Today’s objective: Defining sex-positivity

Well, for three days we have been dealing with negative stuff. High time to switch and focus on the positive! So, let’s see what a sex positive mindset looks like. I’m avoiding the term environment here, as sadly the reality is that most societies are simply highly sex negative. But individuals can change their mindset! Hence it seems sensible to focus on the individual at this point.

Sex-positivity in itself is quite a challenge to define, at least in detail.  Basically it is obviously the opposite to sex negativity, which is the space where sex is always subject to judgement by others and manipulated to fit a certain ideal. Hence, sex-positivity is a space where individuals ‘own’ their sex without judgement. It means embracing diverse forms of sex, respecting not only yourself but also others. How does this look in practice? In my own way of looking at it, having a sex positive mindset involves seven principles:

1) Own your sex
First and foremost, having a sex positive mindset is about ‘owning’ your sex: it is yours to give, not theirs to take. And only you know what you want, how you want it, how often you want it. Don’t let your environment dictate what you should have or should not be having.

2) Respect everyone’s choices regarding their sex
Just as you have the right, it is important to extend the same respect to others. This means acknowledging everyone’s right to have the sex they want to have – including their right not have sex. It is not for you to judge others and the sex they own.

3) Consent
Sex between partners must be negotiated. Clear, enthusiastic consent is the basis of all sex positive sex. Your sex is yours. Their sex is theirs. Implied or assumed consent is not enough. Neither one has the right to force or manipulate someone else to have sex they don’t want. But also, neither one has the right to stop anyone from having the sex they want, as long as it is with people who consent to it.

The first three are the core principles of sex-positivity for me. The following four points flow from these three. While the first three are necessities, the next four are rights. That is to say you have the right to do this, but there isn’t an obligation to do them.

4) Exploring your sex freely
You have the right to explore your sex freely, the way you want to. You have the right to challenge sexual role models and you should expect to be encouraged, respected and supported to do this by your partners.

5) Engaging with your fantasies
You have the right to engage and develop your fantasies and express them freely without fear of judgement or disrespect.

6) Learning about sex
You have the right to learn about sex: different types of sex, sexual health, ways of expressing sexuality,… nobody should ever stop you from learning.

7) Communicate
You have the right to communicate freely and honestly about sex, sexual fantasies, experiences and ideas. Of course, this is extremely important in consent seeking. But communication goes beyond this. If you had good sex, make sure you tell your partner. If you had bad sex, and you want to improve it with the same partner, talk to him.

I hope these seven principles make sense to you. Of course, you may choose to define your own way of seeing sex-positivity. In fact, taking the above as an example, I’d like you to write your own sex positive manifesto today. That is to say, don’t make it a few general points which are applicable to everyone. Write a sex positive manifesto just for you.

Take-home message for today: A sex positive is about owning your sex. And respecting the rights of others to do the same.

Want to explore more about a sex-positive life?
My book contains all the materials for the Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop and is available from any good bookseller.

ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
To order online see bookfinder  or Amazon:   US – UK – CADE – FRIT – IN – JP – BR

Or as a digital PDF download here:

Have you called a friend today?

Feeling a little low today? Or maybe just in need of a small dose of happiness? A little boost to your self-esteem?
One easy way to make you smile right now might be to call a friend. Here is what Rob had to say about it while he was doing the “Happier, Healthier and more Active: the 30 Day Challenge” workshop:

“Another [activity] I liked. Actually calling rather than liking a few friends’ posts on Facebook made a difference. It made me think a bit that we are loosing the ability to “just call” and have a chat. Putting it on my agenda helped a lot to remind me of the task, too.”

P.S.: The complete workshop with all activities is still available for free here! See here for all the posts.

5 Reasons to schedule a long sex session with your partner – right now.

With the nights getting longer, here are five great reasons to make room in your busy schedule for a longer sex session with your partner – right now.

1. Really feel the sex
Spontaneous and quick sex is great, however, it is often over before your mind had time to “arrive”. Scheduling a longer session gives both of you time to prepare, look forward to and really bring your mind with you to feel all the sensations and be present.

2. Create intimacy
Often sex is confused with creating intimacy in a relationship. And while sex is really important in maintaining a relationship, what really counts is not the number of times you have sex – but the intimacy you are creating while having sex. Slow sex really gives time for intimacy feelings to develop, injecting tons of intimacy into your relationship.

3. Feel good afterwards
Long sex is a master in giving you afterglow. Why? It gives time for all the happy hormones you produce during sex to really play their role in your body. The result? A happy smile for hours to come!

4. Connecting beyond your sexual partner
Long lasting sex actually helps you connect to people beyond the ones you are having sex with. Feelings of intimacy with your partner and satisfaction often reflect into other parts of your life, and help you make more friendly and positive connections beyond the person you had sex with!

5. De-stress
Finally, sex is one of the best ways to de-stress. Had a hard day at work? There is an easy way to be more productive again the next day: switch off the TV and bring some real intimacy into your life with your partner.

Ready for some slow sex?
Check out some of the tips of creating long-lasting intimate connections in the Sexual Discovery workshop and book: From connections through touch with your partner – to edging yourself if you don’t have a partner right now. And don’t forget, the Tantric Vibes workshop starts in January!

It’s great news and exciting news!

You probably noticed that it has been a little quiet on the urbangay website recently. This is because I was really busy with two great projects – and I’m excited to let you know more about them today – and more will be revealed over the next few weeks!
Although there was more interaction as the curators for the @urbangay twitter account took over last month, now it is all back to me… so I’m looking forward to hearing from you! And here are the details of the exciting things that are happening in the world of urbangay:

1. The Quinta Project
The “Queer Quinta” project has been the main focus of my work in the recent months. To summarise the project: it will be a queer/gay ecovillage right in the heart of Portugal, with facilities for co-living, retreats and learning – a haven away from the big city, and a refuge for those seeking to connect with themselves, other guys and nature in a queer/gay environment.
The great news is that I have recently made an offer on a property, and now the solicitors are working through the purchase details. Fingers crossed, this will be completed early next year. You can follow all the updates and find out more details on the Queer/Gay Quinta webpage – and via Twitter @gayquinta.

2. Tantric Vibes Workshop
The next workshop will come up in January: Tantric Vibes combines ancient ideas from Tantra and Taoism with more modern influences such as Orgasmic Yoga into a comprehensive intimacy workshop for gay men. The release is a little later than planned (sorry for this!). The great news though is, that the final workshop has evolved much from the original workshop plan, and includes many more interactive exercises for you and your partner(s). I’ll post a few more details before January – and in the meantime, get set to start your new year in the most intimate and sexiest way – ever!

I’m really excited about the new big projects – and I hope you’ll enjoy being part of them! Please get in touch with any questions or suggestions… it is always great to hear from you!

Three reasons to get active for every gay man

A guest post by Paul, who is the curator for the @urbangay twitter this week, follow him, interact and talk to him on twitter until Sunday!

This week I’m taking over the @urbangay twitter account for a week. My interest is mainly in being healthy and active, and I think it is something really important. Not just because of the obvious and well-known health reasons (and making for better sex!). But there are three more reasons why it is especially important for gay men. Here they are:

1) It’s great to make you feel good
Engaging in sports and eating a healthy diet to help you fuel your activities has an unbelievably great influence on how you feel about yourself and your life. Simply engaging in regular exercise has the same effect on you as taking antidepressants, but with only positive side-effects. With gay men much more likely than straight folks to have mental health issues for many reasons, exercise can be a key to make us happier and healthier. Of course, you don’t have to feel down, or even start an overwhelming exercise program: even small steps will have a great effect, at least when you do them regularly. So start and get active today and within a week you will see how much better you feel!

2) It will improve your body image
Not just your mood and how you feel about yourself and others around you will improve: but your body image will also become much better. Body image problems are endemic in the gay community. I used to hate my body when I was a teenager, and even into my twenties. Only when I started exercising regularly did I start to love me and my body. And I’m not saying this because I became muscular and looking like a sex god (I didn’t!). But because exercise influences how you feel about your body!

3) You can make so many new friends!
Finally, I found that exercise is a big benefit for a great social life. It binds together like nothing else. I love joining in with LGBT-sports groups or events, and I bet you’d love it, too! If you live in or near a bigger city see if there are any gay sports organisations you can join. There are lots of these around and many organisations have something for every taste: from yoga to rugby. And don’t forget outdoor sports away from the big cities like skiing and hiking, too! You won’t believe how it changes your social life!

Let me know what you think about sport, being active and healthy and gay! Tweet to me and follow my tweets @urbangay all this week!

Day 30: Make a Plan [Happy]

For today: Make a plan. Any plan: small excursion tomorrow or a major life change!

Rob:
Neat one. I’m guilty of not taking time to plan much and this gave me the opportunity to


How did it go for you?

Day 29: Dance and sing! [Active]

For today: Dance and sing. With whomever you like!

Alex:
My other half seemed to enjoy anticipating


How did it go for you?

Day 28: Cheat Meal! [Healthy]

For today: Have a cheat meal!

Javid:
I noticed that by being on the challenge I started to be more conscious of what I eat and do. So this was a lovely break from the routine, and


How did it go for you?

Day 27: Treat yourself [Happy]

For today: Treat yourself! Buy or better do something … just for you.

Rob:
Nice task! My first problem was coming up with something though. Then I settled for


How did it go for you?

Day 26: Clean… [Active]

For today: Clean something in the house that has been bugging you for a while.

Alex:
Oh the cupboard in the attic! It has


How did it go for you?