Day 31: Sustaining the progress from the bootcamp

Wow! Well done you on completing 30 days of the bootcamp! This is amazing! We have touched on so many things over the last month, I’m sure it was quite a ride! Remember to check back in and pick out the good parts that you feel were particularly beneficial for you. It would also be great to hear from you which parts you enjoyed most! New: urbangay now has a community function – so please take the time and share your experiences there! If you haven’t checked out the next “30 day” programs, have a look. Each program will pick […]

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Day 30: Relationships

Today is our last instalment of mindfulness: a last, quick glimpse of how mindfulness can enhance your personal relationships – with your lover, partner(s) and also friends. While some of the activities in the last few days might have been challenging for you. Especially if you have completed them with your partner and you haven’t been normally openly talking about sex and intimacy. Many people going through a sexual ‘bootcamp” together as a partner find these activities very liberating, but also challenging. So it is perfectly fine if you feel a little unsure about your feelings at this moment. But […]

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Day 29: Mindful Kink

What are your (maybe secret?) fantasies? How can you make them reality? Today we focus on exploring those fantasies and your boundaries, using mindful sex as a guide.  “Kink” is really just another term for unusual… but what is “unusual” will obviously depend highly on your individual take on sex. I’m not trying to delve too much into the differences between kink and fetish at this stage, and I’m intentionally not trying to define what exactly is kink: for some fluffy handcuffs may be very kinky, for others kink just starts with a full latex outfit. Having sex outdoors is […]

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Day 28: Massage

For today’s activity we are delving into intuitive erotic massage, in other words, massage that is intentionally erotic and sexual, though it doesn’t really follow any ‘massage theory’. It is all about giving and receiving sensual pleasure. Before we dive into this though, it is important briefly revisit “giving and receiving”. While some forms of sexual activity are generally mutual (e.g. fucking for example, where the giver and the receiver is receiving pleasure at the same time), sensual massage is almost always about one person “doing the work”, while the other one is receiving. This can raise a few issues. […]

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Day 27: Masturbation

Today we are venturing away from tantra to masturbation, or really how we should call it, self-love. Many men have an unhealthy attitude towards sex: they have grown up with the idea that sex is something to be hidden away. Sexual desires are something to be tamed and having sex “just for fun” is seen as animalistic*. Especially so, if men are doing it only with themselves with no other purpose than to enjoy themselves by themselves. Following the philosophy that it is best to confront shame and fear head on, today I ask you to be daring when it […]

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Day 26: Orgasm, Ejaculation and the role of Breathing

Yesterday I briefly touched upon the difference of orgasm and ejaculation and the idea why many tantric practitioners prefer to not ejaculate (but do have orgasms!). This distinction is absolutely crucial to understanding tantric sex. Today we expand on this a bit more. To do this, first we look at conventional sex, before moving on to compare it with tantric sex. To visualise conventional sex, take a look at the image above. In conventional sex, sexual activity starts at the beginning slowly building up sexual energy. It increases and accumulates in a combined orgasm and ejaculation stage (for men). That […]

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Day 25: Basics of Tantra

Today we are going to look more deeply at pleasure and connection. Not just accepting yourself, but creating and growing pleasure (and sexual energy) through tantra. There is a lot of debate out there about different ways of tantra, and actually if tantra should be called tantra, or neotantra etc., much of it could easily fill a few bookstores with books. Therefore, rather than debating the basis of tantra and how to do it, let’s try to experience it and then go from there. For this activity, you’ll need a timer (egg timer or phone timer, whatever can count 10 […]

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Day 24: Defining your sexual self

Yesterday we started with some sensual exercises and loving your body. I hope you had time to explore them and enjoy them. Today the focus is on defining yourself more closely. So today’s question is: Who are you when it comes to sex and sexuality? Often the gay scene simply defines top, bottom or versatile, which, while maybe useful for fucking, is pretty one dimensional and really not very holistic. In fact, this focus purely on fucking has a lot of problems: Especially, as it assumes that all sex is somehow related to fucking – and if you don’t, then […]

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Day 23: You are beautiful: Body Image

Before we are moving on from life in general, and look more closely at our sexual and relationship/love self, let us take a quick break and look at the body, your body. Survey after survey has shown that body image is a major problem for the modern man – of whatever sexual orientation. However, those that have looked particularly at gay men found that less than half are happy or fairly happy, and just a tiny fraction (less than 3%) are actually happy with their bodies. 81% have tried to change their body shape in a form or another, and […]

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Day 22: Mindful Exercise

Yesterdays food mindfulness example showed how mindfulness can become part of daily life. Importantly, mindfulness can also be incorporated into very active activities – in fact, it can really enhance both the experience of them as well as the performance. Today, therefore, we briefly touch on how to integrate exercise and mindfulness. Yoga, walking, running or even machine-based weight exercises are potential partners for mindfulness. As long as the exercise doesn’t necessarily require you to pay too much attention to unexpected movements from others (for example during competitive sports), mindfulness can normally be integrated. Exercises where you are free to […]

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