Day 11: Consent

Today’s objective: Exploring how to seek and give consent. Within the sex positive community seeking and giving consent is an important topic. Being sex positive doesn’t mean you have you are always willing to have sex. It means you are seeking the sex you want – and giving the sex you and your partners want to share. In the straight community sexual consent has become an increasingly important topic, while sadly in the gay community it is (at least at an explicit level) still often overlooked. … [End of preview] The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are […]

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Day 10: Let’s talk about sex

Today’s objective: Explore how to talk about sex with your partner. Talking about sex is a difficult subject for many guys, at least when it means talking to your actual partner(s). While many guys find it relatively easy to express their wishes to strangers or on hookup apps, talking to their longer-term partner is a real sticking point; with potentially relationship damaging consequences. After researchers based in Canada had looked at different couples over nearly a thirty year period, their conclusions were daunting: even in long-term relationships, what sexual partners thought about what turned each other on, had fairly little […]

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Day 9: Sexual Learning

Today’s objective: Outline your sexual learning As the saying goes… What’s better than learning? More learning! You have now started the first steps on the most fun and satisfying journey you can take. And, after the planning and outlining a journey destination yesterday, it is now time to find out what there is to discover. In other words, today will be all about making your personal, sexual learning plan. Why is learning so important? For a start, even if you know everything there is to know about sex today… tomorrow you’d have something else to learn. But not just that: […]

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Day 8: Owning your sex

Today’s objective: Own your sexual journey A key principle of sex positivism is owning your sex: which means taking ownership of the sex you have, the sex you want to share and your sexual explorations and discoveries. It also means that nobody should restrict the sex you choose to have and that you are responsible for the sex you engage in (or not, of course!). This, lets face it, sounds like a big responsibility… especially if sex was something that “just happenes”, like it is to many people. One of the participants in the workshop commented on this activity: “I […]

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Day 7: Writing your own sexual script

Today’s objective: Ignite your fantasy! Yesterday was about sexual scripts running in our head. The main positive effect, of course, is that these scripts help you not to think about what is the next step while having sex: as you are working through a routine – you can easily concentrate on the feelings and sensations at the moment, without having to worry about what comes next. The best way of helping you break out of any routines you have, is… [End of preview] The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, […]

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Day 6: Sexual Routines

Today’s objective: Identify your sexual routines Let’s get ready to have some sex! What will you do? … Sounds a bit like a cheeky question? Of course, it is. But it also reveals a little hidden secret to unlocking greater sexual discovery. When I asked the question you most likely had one or even a few possible “story lines” of what could happen flash up in your mind. Those story lines, buried inside you and almost never challenged are your sexual routines. They help you to have sex: because you know what you’re doing, you don’t have to start thinking […]

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Day 5: The Sex Positive Mindset

Today’s objective: Developing sex positivity Well, for three days we have been dealing with negative stuff. High time to switch and focus on the positive! So, let’s see what a sex positive mindset looks like. I’m avoiding the term environment here, as sadly the reality is that most societies are simply highly sex negative. But individuals can change their mindset! Hence it seems sensible to focus on the individual at this point.… [End of preview] The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF! 30 days of […]

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Day 4: Fear

Today’s objective: Recognise the role of fear in promoting a sex negative environment. Today we are looking at the second powerful tool used to promote and maintain a sex negative environment: fear. Of course, you’d be right in saying that shame is also often a particular type of fear (that is to say, fear of negative judgement by others). But sex negative societies also often use more overt fear appeals when it comes to maintaining their ideas of what is the “right” kind of sex, and the wrong kind of sex. It is important to remember that fear can also […]

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Day 3: Shame and shaming

Today’s objective: Think about shame and shaming and how it sustains sex negativity After yesterday’s activity you have probably found quite a few examples of sex negativity surrounding you. As one participant puts it when giving feedback: “I never imagined that some of the things around me would be so sex negative. I always thought sex negativity was something that happened in societies where sex is repressed. But now I see how much judgement there is linked to sex and being sexy even in a liberal society such as the UK. It almost is as if you can’t just be […]

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Day 2: Sex Negativity

Today’s objective: Learn about Sex Negativity both in the environment as well as in the way we talk to ourselves. Yesterday I said that the key to sexual happiness lies in adopting a sex positive attitude. I also said that most societies (and individuals!) are sex negative, and many people internalise this negativity.  The terms are a little confusing though, as sex negative doesn’t mean that there is no sex (or sex positivity that sex is everywhere). What it means is that in sex negative societies sex is subject to lots of interference and regulation from ‘social norms’. That is […]

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