Day 21: Tantric Sex

A deep meditation, a holy communion and a dance with the force of creation. (Marcus Allen) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Create a tantric experience

While Tantra often gets associated mostly with massage, tantric play can be much more between two or more lovers. The first and most important key to tantric play is that orgasm is not the objective. Rather, tantric play emphasises the intimate connections between lovers, through mutual touch, meditation, massage and sex.

It makes sense that such a play session is not hurried, rather that it slowly evolves from the initial connecting phases to actual sex and climax. While the popular idea of three or more hours of sex is quite extreme, you can imagine that this type of playing takes significantly more time than the standard “fuck and go”. The effect of this is that, especially after some training, sex starts to take a whole new meaning for tantric practitioners: it becomes an intensely satisfying experience. And while it takes some amount of planning, the increased satisfaction and pleasure derived from a full tantric session makes this worthwhile. As one participant said: “When I started practicing tantric sex, simply finding the time and peace was a challenge. But the more I practiced, the better it got. And eventually having tantric sessions has become like planning afternoons or evenings for me and my partner. We really have certain days where we are fully planning ahead to perform a tantric session in the evening, for example. The reward is certainly worth it. As we are now much more soulmates, connected through intimacy and mind-blowing sessions of sex”.

Rituals and scripts are the cornerstone of tradition-inspired spiritual tantra practice. However,

[End of preview]

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Day 20: Prostate Massage

Easier to find than a G-spot. Harder to forget. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Brush up on the male G-spot

It’s probably a pretty open secret that a man’s most pleasurable body part is not the penis… but what lies behind the penis: the prostate gland, the male g-spot or the scared gland as some tantric practitioners call it. Whatever you call it, it is the gland that gives you the most pleasure when you bottom – or when you massage the scrotum.

If you have never tried to locate the gland, it is also fairly easy to find. You can try it out either by yourself or on your partner: Insert a (well lubricated) finger in the anus. Now bend the finger slightly towards the penis. You’ll feel a small, walnut-size “bump”. This is the prostate gland.

Giving and receiving a prostate massage can be a highly pleasurable experience for both guys: For the receiver because… [End of preview]

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30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
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Day 19: Tantric Genital Massage (Lingam Massage)

Touch me, touch the palm of your hand to my body as I pass. (Walt Whitman) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Explore tantric massage techniques

Tantric massage has achieved something of a nearly mystical status. And while it is an amazing ways to massage your partner, in the end, tantric massage is relatively similar to a gentle massage… with the exception of it ending up focusing on the penis (or lingam as it is called in Tantric circles). Of course, it is important to remember that, although there is focus on the penis, an actual orgasm is a bonus – but it is not the foremost goal of the massage.

To start a tantric massage session make sure the room is warm and comfortable. Music can help enormously to relax. If you want you can use a connection ritual to start the massage: Either use the one from yesterday, or alternatively, ask the person to lie on his front, and touch each chakra gently for three breaths. Synchronise your breathing and start at the heart chakra, and then work your way from the root chakra to the crown chakra (see yesterday). Once you have connected, ask the person to turn around and, start gently massaging his back, shoulder, arms, his legs and his arse. Once you are done with the back, ask him to turn around. You can return to the shoulders, then his chest, tummy and legs. Remember there is no correct or incorrect way to massage him or any sequence to follow. It is about connecting and preparing him for the lingam massage. A few tips:… [End of preview]

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Day 18: Tantra Breathing and Connecting

Love has the same relationship to the soul as breathing has to the body (Osho) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Experiment with tantric connection

Tantra, at least for gay men, has become synonymous for massage through the pioneering work of several writers and teachers who have adopted Tantra to gay sex. However, it is important to note that Tantra goes far beyond slow and intimate forms of massage: it is about connecting fully with the other person through breathing, touch and sex. In other words, it is about a deep and intimate connection.

Tantra has some similarities to Taoist views about sex. Two particularly important similarities are that both use breathing extensively (though differently) and both consider the way you have sex more important than orgasm and especially ejaculation. Different to Taoism, many Tantra practitioners do not practice semen retention, although some have adopted this from Taoism.

Tantric sex generally heaps a lot of spirituality onto having sex, something that maybe appealing for some, but very off-putting for others. Over the next few days I’m inviting you to explore Tantra not from a spiritual perspective, but to focus on the experience. I’m therefore not going to delve into many of the more spiritual explanations and practices, but focus more on the techniques that make Tantra a very uniquely intimately sexual experience. If you want to explore the spiritual side of (gay) Tantra, please check out the store at urbangay.org. You’ll find several recommended books there about the subject.

The beginning of a Tantric ritual (or let us call it Tantric sex) is always establishing a connection between the people. This creates a feeling of intense intimacy between the people. “I really never imagined how intense the feelings can be. It was quite a shock really when I first started and something I never imagined. It seems simple in a way, but really powerful”, is how one participant describes his first experiences. The key elements of this introduction… [End of preview]

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30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
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Day 17: Taoist Sex and the PC Muscle

Seeking balance through Yin and Yang Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Explore Taoist views and strengthen your PC muscle

The last three days we focused on ideas born within the tradition of Taoism. Today the focus is on expanding a little beyond the techniques and see how Taoism views sexuality – including gay sex.

The basic premise of all sex in Taoism is the balance of yin, the female force, and yang, the male force. Taoism believes that when two people have sex with each other, they charge each: so for two men, two yang meet each other. The result is more sexual energy. Something which makes balancing the energy with your body more important.

Another aspect of the yin and yang or balancing principle of Taoism is the assertion that whomever is top… [End of preview]

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Day 16: Emergency Stops

Stop. Breathe. Ecstasy. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Learn “emergency stop” techniques to avoid ejaculation

Breathing, as practiced yesterday, is very effective to delay ejaculation to a stage where you are well into ecstasy territory and with some training it should become a natural way to have multiple orgasms for a man. However, it is possible that occasionally you need to apply an emergency stop, quite literally. The problem with this is that an emergency stop is quite abrupt, so it really ends the sex you are having for a bit. For some guys this is a problem as some loose their erection over this. Therefore, breathing and the microcosmic orbit are preferable as they are continuous and doesn’t stop the flow. However, if you plan to continue, it is better to stop rather than ejaculate and end the sex.

There are two fairly easy to learn techniques for an emergency stop. I’d suggest that you try both them out as part of today’s activity on your own first. Like that you know how it feels.

The first one is… [End of preview]

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Day 15: Taoist Breathing, the Microcosmic Orbit

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished (Lao Tsu) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Learn to breathe to prolong sex without ejaculation

While you were performing yesterday’s activity, you might have noticed the crucial role that breathing has when you are close to cuming. Many guys speed up their breath when they are approaching orgasm, some hold their breath immediately before. As during Taoist sex you try to avoid ejaculation (but not orgasm) you can use breath as a way to control you. The most basic way is to intentionally breathe slowly and regularly. For some guys slowing down the breathing is enough to bump you over the line between orgasm and ejaculation, meaning that you are entering into a state of ecstasy without ejaculating. As a participant describes this stage: “It all seems quite the usual stuff until I get to this point where I get really close. After breathing, the feeling totally changes. It then feels as if I’m in trance or a different state and I can go on and on for a while before I have to stop and calm down for a while”.

While you can simply breathe deeply and slowly as a way to delay ejaculation, a different way is what Taoists call using the “Microcosmic Orbit”:… [End of preview]

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30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
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Day 14: Edge yourself

Orgasm and ejaculation are not the same. Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Understand the logic of “non-ejaculation”

If cuming, as a way of saying ejaculation, sounds like the best thing in sex to you… you are not alone: I reckon 99% of males think exactly that. The problem? Most men learn from puberty onwards that ejaculation and orgasm are the same. And that means you can’t have multiple orgasms immediately after each other. But… luckily that is simply not true. It just requires a bit of unlearning to figure out how to orgasm multiple times…

Most of the ancient techniques that teach men how to orgasm multiple times come from China, or more specifically from the Taoist teachings about sex. We will explore a bit more of these teachings over the next few days. Taoist views of sex are very different from the views mostly held in the “West”, which actually makes Taoist teachings about sex fairly sex-positive.

One of the key principles of Taoism is the reliance on different forms of energy. The most precious one? Jing (精), or sexual energy and essence, which is… [End of preview]

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30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
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Day 13: Wanking and Masturbation

Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love. (Woody Allen as Alvie Singer) Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Celebrate having sex with yourself

Wanking or masturbation is a tricky topic for many, riddled with shame and guilt. Many people grow up to associate masturbation as an inferior replacement to having sex with someone else. Or worse, that having sex with yourself is deeply connected to evil, lust and sin, and therefore a ticket to go to hell straightaway. The problem with all of this? You’re missing out on having sex with the one person who totally understands you, is always horny when you are… and knows exactly how to make you feel right. At least if… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
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Day 12: Talking and Negotiating Consent

Sexual consent: I want you to … talk to me! Click To Tweet

Today’s objective: Negotiating consent

Yesterday’s activity asked you to start negotiating consent, at least on a fictional level. Let’s recap quickly how consent works. Here are the five golden rules of consent:

1. If anything is ambiguous, stop it and don’t go any further.
2. Acting sexy, being naked, in a place where sex occurs, sexually active with someone else etc… all of this is not consent for you.
3. If either party can’t fully consent (under influence of alcohol, drugs, under age, unaware of the risks, etc..), there is no consent.
4. A previous consent does not mean a present consent – even in a relationship.
5. All boundaries are hard rules and not negotiable guidelines.

Many of these rules should be self evident, however,… [End of preview]

The full Sexual Discovery for Gay Men workshop materials  are now available as a soft cover book, ebook and directly downloadable PDF!

30 days of sex positive activities, self discovery
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Available from any good bookseller.
ISBN 978-1973779131 (soft cover)   978-1370218707 (eBook)
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