Here is an age-old question: how long does sex (on average) last? Well… at least for heterosexual couples, it seems the answer is a (quite short) 5.4 minutes – or a little longer than your average porn clip (around 4 minutes if it shows a “full sex scene”). Long? Short? What do you think? In fact…, apart from making headline news, how meaningful is such a number?

Giving such a number implies that the duration of sex is somehow an indication of how good sex is: the longer the better? Indeed, it implies that sex is somehow measurable – from “start” to “ejaculation”, and that this is all there is to it. But is it? Maybe ask yourself: what is hot sex? And I’m sure you’ll quickly come to the conclusion that time really is the least important factor in sex.

For a start, some sex can be amazingly hot when it is short: think of a maybe risky quicky somewhere. It can be super hot, but probably also often very short indeed. Does it make it bad? Not at all. In fact, the excitement of a risky situation, maybe even other people around, can make it incredibly hot.

On the other hand, how would you “measure” long sex? Or indeed, what is (long) “sex”? The porn industry nearly always gives us a pretty clear example what is sex: short foreplay, some penetration, everyone ejaculates. Definitely measurable in terms of time, as it has a clear beginning and a clear and, but… Is that hot for you?

Think of a perfect afternoon spend with your lover(s). Do you really want to reduce this to a five minute fuck? Isn’t it much more fun – and also much more real, if rather than reducing it all to “suck, fuck, cum”, if it becomes an afternoon where you are enjoying each others bodies all the time? In other words, where you do different things, one after the other, with breaks in the middle? Bringing each other close to ecstasy, then gently bring each other to a point of relaxation – maybe just feeling the other for a few minutes, before resuming what could be described as “sex”? Surely, that is much hotter than six minutes of penetration… after all, if sex is one of the most enjoyable things in life, we don’t want it to last just six minutes?

For good sex, focus on the journey not the destination. Click To Tweet

I’m not talking about tantra here: I’m talking about focusing on enjoying each other, no matter if this counts as “sex” or not. Of course, this isn’t really what the sexual role models of porn movies teach, but something that we have to discover for ourselves: sex is, after all, not a five minute job. It’s not something that has a definite beginning or end – and it certainly shouldn’t be something that focuses simply on “cuming”. We really need to learn to see sex as more than a finite activity: something that starts maybe even before we are naked, where there is no real end, and where the focus is more on the journey than the destination. If we manage that, we can really enjoy sex: from quick to long, in all it’s forms.

How long is good sex?