What are your (maybe secret?) fantasies? How can you make them reality? Today we focus on exploring those fantasies and your boundaries, using mindful sex as a guide. “Kink” is really just another term for unusual… but what is “unusual” will obviously depend highly on your individual take on sex. I’m not trying to delve too much into the differences between kink and fetish at this stage, and I’m intentionally not trying to define what exactly is kink: for some fluffy handcuffs may be very kinky, for others kink just starts with a full latex outfit. Having sex outdoors is kinky for some, watching others have sex is kinky for others. Whatever it is for you, it is for the purpose of today. The focus for today is defining a kinky fantasy for you (and a partner or partners where appropriate), and to experience it with full mindfulness.
It is common for many people that when engaging kinky fantasies they feel uncomfortable or even experience shame. This can be a real problem, distracting much from the enjoyment of the fantasy they are acting out – or feeling remorse later on and regretting their actions. Of course, all fantasies acted out should be consensual, they should be safe and sane (often referred to as the SSC principle). And I ask you to consider this carefully beforehand.
The role of mindfulness in sex is twofold:
On the one side, it enhances your enjoyment of the actual fantasy play. By being fully present, you avoid your mind wondering off and worrying about something else. In other words, you are fully in the fantasy and can truly observe, be present, when it plays out.
On the other side, mindfulness enhances your perception of emotions arising out of the fantasy playing out – including, crucially, your personal boundaries. Thus, mindfulness kink gives you the tool to avoid a crushing feeling of remorse later, as it should guide your experience of the acting out. This may mean that you feel emotions that tell you to stop or pause the fantasy. Listening to these is exactly the point of this exercise: if it doesn’t feel right for you (or your partners) I want you to mindfully stop what you are doing and examine your emotions. Don’t be tempted to continue beyond what your emotions tell you, don’t be tempted to be carried away. Listen to your inner voice.
As a first step today, I want you to sketch out the fantasy that you have. You can do this together with your partner(s) if it involves them. Don’t get too bogged down on details: give the basic script of the fantasy, not a minute by minute account. This should be enough to guide you (and your partners), but leave enough room to accommodate changes where necessary. Remember to check beforehand the SSC principle, and importantly make sure everyone understands what they are consenting to. Also be careful not to push your boundary too far with this activity: it is perfectly ok to stretch the boundary a little bit and see how you go. But don’t do something you are likely to feel bad about afterwards. It is better to act out a very small kink fantasy in full mindfulness then to take on a massive boundary pushing activity.
In the second step, you should start to act out the fantasy. To start it off, bring your attention to the present. The most simple way is to focus briefly on your breathing for a few breath at the beginning of the fantasy play.
During the fantasy play remember to be fully present: acknowledge and examine your feelings and any emotions that arise. Greet good feelings and emotions when they appear, and carefully examine negative feelings or emotions.
If you are playing with partner(s), remember to give them appropriate feedback as you are acting out your fantasy. Listening to your inner voice should guide you in this. Ideally, get to a place where you are communicating constantly with your partner(s): they let you know their emotions and feelings in an appropriate form – and you provide feedback and communicate your emotions and feelings. Pay full attention to this communication process.
After playing check back in with yourself: examine how playing mindfully felt. Maybe you acted out fantasies before and can feel a difference in the way it went. Maybe this is the first time you tried to verbally express a fantasy and act it out. Some thing might have been much better than expected, other maybe less so. That’s fine. The point is to communicate this and talk with yourself, and where possible with your partner(s), about this openly.
I hope you have an amazing experience with today’s activity. Of course, most fantasies feel better in fantasy land than in reality, but mindfulness can help to approach fantasy land as much as possible. Even if applied to more ordinary, vanilla sex, most people find that mindfulness, together with feedback and communication can really enhance the experience enormously.
Finally, of course, I would be really interested to hear how it was for you today. How did you feel during and after the activity? Let me know!