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Day 28: Massage

For today’s activity we are delving into intuitive erotic massage, in other words, massage that is intentionally erotic and sexual, though it doesn’t really follow any ‘massage theory’. It is all about giving and receiving sensual pleasure.

Before we dive into this though, it is important briefly revisit “giving and receiving”. While some forms of sexual activity are generally mutual (e.g. fucking for example, where the giver and the receiver is receiving pleasure at the same time), sensual massage is almost always about one person “doing the work”, while the other one is receiving. This can raise a few issues. The most obvious one is that one person might feel that he is disadvantaged (by giving but receiving little in return). This is necessarily something that should be addressed between the two of you, so that both feel they receive and give.

However, some people also feel uncomfortable when receiving, too. Even if they have been giving previously. This is an important thought to recognise immediately, not least because it has the potential to become one of the toxic thoughts that can really fester in the corner of the brain.
After all, the giver is trying to give pleasure to the receiver. But by being distracted with thoughts about how the receiver can reciprocate, about aspects of his body or other thoughts which distract from the pleasure given, the receiver can (inadvertently) destroy even the best attempts of a giver to give pleasure to him.

Similarly, the same mechanism can be at work in the giver: by thinking not about the pleasure the giver is giving, but letting the mind wander, the receiver can equally undermine his own efforts to give full pleasure.

This potential issue is, of course, not limited to receiving and giving pleasure through sensual or erotic massage. At its worst, it can perfectly ruin any form of sex.

Luckily though, being mindful can remedy such situations. When the receiver is focusing on the received pleasure in the moment and the giver focusing on giving pleasure, true connection can happen. It is, therefore, really important to be mindful during any sexual activity, but especially so when the giving and receiving is not equal.

A different potential issue can arise through the lack of feedback. Again, this is not only something that can occur when there is a disparity between giving and receiving. It can happen during all forms of sex, but especially during massage.

Often people feel uncomfortable about communicating what they like, or don’t like. In my own experience, many people I had the chance to massage (or had other forms of sex with) were almost completely quiet. Again, this can spell trouble for both sides:

From a giver perspective this can be really frustrating. After all, as a giver, the most interesting part of giving a massage is to make the other person feel good. And nothing is more rewarding than an approving “oh yeah” or similar sound in that situation.

From a receiver perspective, not giving the feedback can be equally frustrating. It basically leaves the giver with no guidance as to what the receiver really likes. As pretty much everyone has his own pleasure points, this makes it difficult for the giver to give more pleasure. The default is then to do what the giver thinks is best, but that may not be something the receiver really likes. Hence, responsive feedback is really important. Basically, responsive feedback enables both to receive the most pleasure from what they are doing – and after all, that is what this is all about!

I could write quite a few posts on the importance of feedback (and why people sometimes seem to think they should be as quiet as possible), but this is not the point of today’s post, of course. But, please, bear in mind that feedback is massively important. To put it bluntly, yes, the neighbours may hear you. Let’s be clear: So what? What is more important to you? Your pleasure and rewarding the giver? Or someone who is probably more jealous of someone else sharing pleasurable moments with someone else.

So, for today, focus both on giving and receiving a sensual, erotic massage with a partner. Pay special attention to giving and receiving feedback and being in the moment. Don’t worry if, especially giving feedback feels a little strange at first (especially if you are usually more quiet). Just let it come out: the ahhhhs and ohhhs may feel unusual, but really, they are natural and rewarding to the other person.

Now a few words on the intuitive erotic massage: Don’t worry too much about following a script.
My own preference is to start with the bum, then work my way around the neck, the legs, the head, the face, the tummy, the chest and then the genitals. But that is no hard and fast rule.
Do, however, use oil and/or some other lubrication, especially when massaging the penis. You don’t need lots of oil for the body, just enough to make your hands glide. But for the penis, use as much as you can. It makes all the difference!
Try out different ways of giving a penis/genital massage: again, no hard and fast rules here – and bear in mind that everyone is different. Some people love to have their balls massaged. Others go wild when you gently massage their gland. Others feel best when you focus on the shaft. As much as there are differently formed penises around, there are just as much different varieties of massaging it. Go with the flow – and listen to the feedback. Experiment and see.

I hope you enjoy today’s activity and it gives you some good ideas. Tomorrow we will explore even more areas of sex where feedback and mindfulness are really important: kink. Please remember to let me know how you are getting on… your feedback is really important! Use the comments below, or use #ug30bc on twitter. Until tomorrow… and enjoy the feeling of giving and receiving pleasure today!