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Let’s talk about Sex (and create a Sex Wish List!)

Holiday season is just upon us… So this week I’ll give you some tips for how to talk to your partner about sex – and create a sex wish list – for not just a holiday season to remember.

Wish lists are great things – from the old fashioned list of things to do to Amazon wish lists, lists help us stay focused and organised. However, when it comes to sex, few people have a wish list outside of their head. So why not use this holiday season to create a sex wish list for you and your partner?

Many people have real issues when it comes to talking about their fantasies, what they want – and what they would like more or less of. And while it is often easy to speak to random strangers about sex, many people totally freeze up when it comes to talking about sex with their regular partner. So here are a few tips how to make that awkward conversation less awkward… and create a sex wish list for you both (or more).

The goal of this exercise is to create a “sex wish list“… It is a great way to keep new ideas flowing and bring some variety into your sex life. The list can contain anything from simple positions to scenarios or whatever else you both want to try out. Of course, the ultimate goal is not to simply have a list – but to work through the list…

To get over the original hurdle, think about how and when you can approach the subject – but don’t overthink. Of course, lots depends on how open your partner is at this stage. One tip: don’t talk to him immediately after sex. A better moment might be when he comes home and you are about to have dinner together – or a similarly “everyday” situation.

Think about a non-threatening opening to ease the conversation. The worst conversations start with “I really don’t like when you do XYZ”. Rather think approach the subject from a positive angle: think along the lines of “Hey, do you remember the time we did abc in xyz. I really loved that.”

Focus on things you like at the beginning – and then move on to things you’d like more of. Remember to keep it positive! Don’t talk about “our sex life has become boring, and that’s why I want this and that now”… focus on bringing you both closer together and sharing what you both want to do (and recording it, so it doesn’t get lost!).

Once you are talking about your fantasies, wishes and ideas, suggest putting them down on a list. That could be a secret list you keep in the bedside table, or you could use a To Do List software where you can share your list with each other.

Remember though that whatever goes on the list should be something you both want to try. This means, of course, negotiating… and not everything that you want or he wants may end up on the list.

Don’t get too upset if the list isn’t much more than a few items – depending how you handled sex in your relationship before, and how you and your partner are coping with discussing ideas and committing to them, small steps may lead to bigger steps.

Remember – the list should be a “living list” of things you want to do. Don’t take the list to seriously, but gently stick to it for the coming weeks. Also, it is important to revisit the list after some time for two reasons: Firstly, to “check in” how it went (did you do what was on the list? Was it good for both of you?) and, secondly, to add to the list.

After a few revisiting sessions, you will notice that sitting down and talking about sex will become much more natural. You’ll probably also both feel more secure in talking about your fantasies and wishes then, and doing things from the list – or just something more spontaneous should become much more ‘normal’.

This week was particularly focused on talking about sex in a partnership… next weeks topic which will focus on how to survive when you are home alone – and horny: How to survive hookup apps!
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